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Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/SMS Deutschland (1904)/archive1

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The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was promoted by Ian Rose via FACBot (talk) 09:32, 9 August 2017 [1].

SMS Deutschland (1904)

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Nominator(s): Parsecboy (talk) 20:03, 3 July 2017 (UTC)[reply]

This ship was the flagship of the German fleet from 1906 to 1913, leading the fleet's training for much of the run-up to World War I. By the time of the war, Deutschland was obsolescent, but nevertheless took part in the Battle of Jutland, the largest naval action of the war. This article passed GA and Milhist A-class reviews all the way back in 2010, before being substantially overhauled with a new source a little over a month ago. It has since had a GOCE copyedit, so the prose should be in good shape. Thanks to all who take the time to review the article. Parsecboy (talk) 20:03, 3 July 2017 (UTC)[reply]

CommentsSupport from Peacemaker67

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This article is in great shape. I have a few quibbles, comments:

  • the draft in the infobox doesn't march the body
    • Must've been a typo - good catch
  • link knots at first mention
    • Done
  • is there any info about the size of her bunker?
    • Added coal capacity
  • is there any info about where the torpedo tubes were actually located?
    • Will have to look tonight
  • the mention of Dreadnought seems out of place, perhaps slot it in to the narrative of the following section in the appropriate place?
    • Yeah, I'm not really happy with where it is, but I don't really think it fits in the narrative either - it seems like an odd tangent to jump from the narrative on training activities and the like to the line about Dreadnought, and then back to training, etc.
  • perhaps mention that Skagen is in Denmark?
    • Done
  • perhaps also mention Funchal is in Portugal, Santa Cruz is in the Canary Islands and Bilbao is in Spain?
    • All done
  • it says "another periodic overhaul", but I can't see where she had an earlier one?
    • Fixed
  • consider linking dry dock
    • It's linked in the second para of the Construction-1908 section
  • I suggest that where you first introduce a British ship, you use HMS for clarity
    • Good idea
  • the ordinal designations are a bit weird, 1st Battlecruiser Squadron, but V Battle Squadron?
  • move the link to Grand Fleet to first mention
    • Done
  • is there a link for 8-point turn? I'm not entirely sure what that is. Given degrees has been used previously, perhaps stick to that?
  • I think Nassau-class is linked twice
    • Fixed
  • Meuer is replaced, but I don't see him taking on the role earlier?
    • Will have to check HRS for the date Meur took command.
      • Have added a mention of (and link to) Meurer, not to mention fixing the spelling of his name

That's me done. Cheers, Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 07:03, 5 July 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Just waiting on the torpedo tubes, but happy to support at this point. Peacemaker67 (click to talk to me) 00:05, 20 July 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Image review

Support Comments by Finetooth on prose

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Interesting article, well-written and well-illustrated. I'm a landlubber with no particular knowledge of ships; however, I have several suggestions, mainly about prose.
General
  • The middle three images need alt text.
  • Added.
Lede
  • ¶1 "She was commissioned on 3 August 1906, only a few months before HMS Dreadnought was commissioned, the latter ship, armed with ten large-caliber guns, being the first of a revolutionary new standard of "all-big-gun" battleships that rendered Deutschland and the rest of her class obsolete." – Replace "with plus-ing construction" and trim by a few words? Maybe "She was commissioned on 3 August 1906, only a few months ahead of HMS Dreadnought was commissioned. The latter ship, armed with ten large-caliber guns, was the first of a revolutionary new standard of "all-big-gun" battleships that rendered Deutschland and the rest of her class obsolete."
  • Good idea.
  • ¶3 "After the battle, which highlighted the fact that pre-dreadnoughts were too vulnerable in the face of more modern battleships,..." – Tighten by a few words? Suggestion: "After the battle, in which pre-dreadnoughts proved too vulnerable against more modern battleships,"
  • Sounds good to me.
Design
  • ¶2 "Steam for the engines was provided by twelve coal-fired Scotch marine boilers that were trunked into three funnels." – This slowed me down a bit. First, I'm not used to seeing "trunked" as a verb; it might be a nautical term, though I'm not sure. I assume this means "connected to". Second, I wasn't sure if only the coal smoke goes up the funnels or if maybe excess steam goes up the funnels too. A brief note explaining the mechanics in a bit more detail would be helpful to ship neophytes like me. Third, active voice would be more direct; i.e., something like "Twelve coal-fired Scotch marine boilers linked to three funnels provided steam for the engines."
  • How about "Twelve coal-fired Scotch marine boilers provided steam for the engines; three funnels vented smoke from burning coal in the boilers."?
  • Done
  • Done
  • ¶4 "Her armored belt was 140 to 225 millimeters (5.5 to 8.9 in) thick, with the heavier armor amidships, protecting her magazines and machinery spaces, and the thinner plating at either end of the hull." – Replace "with plus -ing" construction? Maybe break up the sentence like this: "Her armored belt was 140 to 225 millimeters (5.5 to 8.9 in) thick. Heavy armor amidships protected her magazines and machinery spaces, while thinner plating covered the ends of the hull."
  • That works for me.
Construction through 1908
  • ¶1 "though he served aboard the ship for just a month, being replaced by..." – Modify the verb form slightly and delete the comma? Suggestion: "though he served aboard the ship for just a month and was replaced by"?
  • Done
  • ¶1 "Heinrich was new to the command..." – The first and third mentions of him call him Prince Heinrich. Should this one be the same especially since Heinrich is his first name?
  • Good catch
Battle of Jutland
  • ¶3 "Soon after, Pommern was struck by at least one torpedo and exploded." – Maybe more emphatic: "Soon after, Pommern exploded after being struck by at least one torpedo."
  • Good idea
Final operations
  • ¶2 "though on 10 September she was replaced by the cruiser Stettin." – Flip to active voice? "though on 10 September the cruiser Stettin replaced her."
  • Done
  • ¶2 "...struck from the naval register and sold to be scrapped, which was completed by 1922." – "Scrapped" and "which" don't match. "For scrapping" would be better.
  • Done

Source review from Ealdgyth

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  • I randomly googled three sentences and nothing showed up except mirrors. Earwig's tool shows no copyright violations.
Otherwise everything looks good. Ealdgyth - Talk 12:47, 19 July 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Dank

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Support on prose per my standard disclaimer. Well done. As always, feel free to revert my copyediting. These are my edits. - Dank (push to talk) 18:59, 2 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.
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