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Wikipedia:Peer review/2004 World Series/archive2

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2004 World Series

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I first found this article in this form, and just thought it was very poor. So I've been working on it on and off over the last few mounths to give it a total re-write, remove piontless large amount of piontless trivia and added in refs where needed. After some feedback in the first PR I nominated it for GA status which it passed two days ago. I'm now hoping I can get it to FA status. So please piont out anything that is wrong, I know how much the FA people love to nitpick at every little thing.

Thanks, BUC (talk) 10:51, 3 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 13:46, 4 April 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems to tell the whole story in a clear way. I did a bit of minor copyediting as I went, and here are a few suggestions for further improvement.

Lead

  • "The Cardinals never led in any of the four games in the series." - Suggestion for tighter prose: "The Cardinals never led in any of the games."
  • "Manny Ramírez was named the Most Valuable Player (MVP) of the series." - Similar suggestion: "Manny Ramírez was named the Most Valuable Player (MVP)."
  • "Both teams returned to the World Series in the following three years, the Cardinals in 2006 and the Red Sox in 2007, with both of them winning their respective series." - "With plus -ing" constructions are deprecated as ungrammatical. Also, the sentence seems to use more words than necessary. Suggestion: "When these teams returned to the World Series, the Cardinals in 2006 and the Red Sox in 2007, they both won their respective series.

Route to the World Series

  • The Manual of Style advises against repeating the words of the article title in the section heads. Perhaps "Regular season" or "Advancing through the season" or something of the sort would work.

Cardinals

  • "They also allowed the least runs of any team in the league, with four starters each recording at least 15 wins and closer Jason Isringhausen recorded a league-best 47 saves." - Another "with plus -ing". Suggestion: "They also allowed the least runs of any team in the league. Four of their starters each recorded at least 15 wins, and closer Jason Isringhausen recorded a league-best 47 saves."

Series

  • "The two teams had previously played each other in the 1946 and 1967 World Series, with the Cardinals winning both in seven games." - Another "with plus -ing". Suggestion: "Earlier, when the two teams played each other in the 1946 and 1967 World Series, the Cardinals won both in seven games."
  • "The AL had been awarded home-field advantage having won the All-Star Game, giving the Red Sox the advantage at Fenway Park." - Maybe the would be better flipped to read: "Having won the All-Star Game, the AL had been awarded home-field advantage, which meant the series would start at Boston's Fenway Park."

Game 1

  • "Tim Wakefield made his first start of the 2004 post-season for the Red Sox and Woody Williams, who had won both his previous two starts in the post-season, was the Cardinals' starting pitcher." - Since the Manual of Style generally deprecates orphan paragraphs of only one sentence, I'd recommend merging this orphan with the paragraph below it.
  • "In the ninth inning, Foulke struck out Cedeño to win the game for the Red Sox 11–9.[27][25]" - It's nitpicky, but it's considered good form to arrange the citations that bump up against one another so that they appear in ascending order, thus [25][27]. If you see any more of these in the article, just flip them to the correct order by moving the in-line refs.

Game 3

  • "During the game, a sign for fast food restaurant Taco Bell reading "Free Taco Here", was hung over the bullpen with the promise that, if hit, Taco Bell would give everyone in the United States a free "Crunchy Beef Taco". - It might help here to clarify that Taco Bell meant "if hit by a batted ball" if that's what was meant and to include the distance from home plate and the size of the sign and to say whether anyone hit the sign or not. (I assume not.)
  • "Edmonds then hit a fly ball towards Ramírez in left field, who caught it on the run and then threw to home plate where catcher Jason Varitek tagged out Walker, who was attempting to score from third, and ended the inning as a result." - This has too many clauses. Suggestion: "Edmonds then hit a fly ball towards Ramírez in left field, who caught it on the run and threw to home plate. Catcher Jason Varitek tagged out Walker, who was attempting to score from third. This ended the inning."

Series statistics

  • Just "Statistics" would be better because it avoids repeating "series", a word in the article title.

Images

  • A general principle of layout is to place images left or right so that directional subjects of a photo look into the page rather than out. For this reason, Ramírez, Pujols, and Schilling would all be better if moved to the left side of the page. You might also have to move Pujols down slightly to avoid bumping into a third-level head on the left.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:25, 10 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

All Done BUC (talk) 18:15, 12 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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