Wikipedia:Peer review/2008 Super Tuesday tornado outbreak/archive1
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I have decided to nominate this article on the deadliest tornado outbreak this decade for a peer review. It is currently a GA, and I have set a goal of making it an FA before February 5, 2009, the first anniversary of the event. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions. CrazyC83 (talk) 21:20, 12 December 2008 (UTC)
- I would like to see some math in the Aftermath section and the grand total dollar damage figure in the introduction, please. 69.228.196.41 (talk) 09:22, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
I am reviewing this article and will leave comments later. Brianboulton (talk) 19:17, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
Initial comments I am confining my comments to questions of prose, clarity and a spot of MOS. I am happy to trust your expertise on the technical side; certainly the facts you have marshalled seem comprehensive.
- Lead
- This is not a sentence, and needs to be rewritten: "As well as the largest single outbreak since the May 31, 1985 outbreak, which killed 76 across Ohio and Pennsylvania, as well as claiming 12 victims in Ontario, Canada."
- The word "also" is unnecessary in the final paragraph
- Meteorological synopsis
- What are "dewpoint temperatures"? Also you have "dewpoint" (one word) and "dew points" (two words) - which is correct?
- The phrase "...the first such issuance in February since February 10, 1998" is unnecessarily wordy, and could be reduced, simply, to: "...the first in February since 1998."
- "Later in the morning at 10.30 am..." 10.30 am is later in the morning, so I suggest start the sentence "At 10.30 am...."
- CST and UTC need explaining at first mention
- "tornadic supercells" is specialist language, so is "spin-up tornadoes". You need either to explain such terms, or to find a different, more accessible form of words.
- Tornadoes reported: This section consists entirely of a graphic, without text. It would be better if the graphic was treated in the same way as other images and charts. In any event it needs explaining - what do EF0, EF1 etc signify?
- North-central Arkansas: Not much wrong here, but check for non-break spaces (140 people, 200 hours). Check elsewhere for others.
- Memphis area
- The sentence beginning "In addition, damage was reported..." is too long and complex, especially with a parenthetical note in the middle. I suggest you reconstruct into at least two sentences, absorbing the parenthetical part into the main text.
- "Electricity was briefly cut to about 63,000 customers". I suggest this should be "Electricity supply to about 63,000 customers was briefly cut."
I am continuing to read the article, and will add further notes soon. Brianboulton (talk) 21:49, 22 December 2008 (UTC)
(Continuing the review)
- Jackson area
- "just about" - just is unnecessary
- "In addition" and "also" in same sentence - one is redundant
- What does "l-40 rest area" mean?
- "Hurst, Watters and McAfee dormitories were the hardest hit, with approximately 80% of them rendered uninhabitable." The word "them" is incorrect here. I think you mean "approximately 80% of their accommodation" was rendered uninhabitable.
- Para 3: the word "tornado" is overused here. It occurs four times in the first sentence, and there is also avoidable repetition of the word in the two following sentences.
- The word "had" needs to be inserted between "EF4" and "devastated"
- "by this tornadoes" must be either "by these tornadoes" or "by this tornado"
- NWS needs explaining
- NE Nashville
- The moving graphic is eye-catching, but hard for a layperson to interpret, with no key to the colours and a somewhat opaque caption.
- "Twister" - explain term
- Avoid using contractions ("didn't")
- Another problem sentence: "In addition, due to being critically injured, the tornado claimed the life of a 14th Macon County resident on March 13, 2008." Suggest something like: On 13 March the tornado claimed the life of a 14th Macon County resident, who had been critically injured."
- Penultimate paragraph, note in parentheses: "which was" and "initially" are not necessary.
- "impinging" needs an "on" after
- The last sentence of the penultimate paragraph needs some punctuation
- Final sentence of the section goes into present tense: "This tornado is..."
- North-central Alabama: no comment
- Non-tornadic events: no comment
- Flooding: The sentence beginning "Among the areas hardest hit..." needs some reorganisation for clarity.
- Winter storm: "whiteout" is one word
- Aftermath: "half the revenue made from tickets for the game would be..." can be simplified to "half the ticket sales revenue would be..."
I hope that you find the above comments helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 00:28, 23 December 2008 (UTC)