Wikipedia:Peer review/2008 attacks on North Indians in Maharashtra/archive1

2008 attacks on North Indians in Maharashtra

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I feel the article has the potential to become a good article but obviously lacks something here and there. Hence I would like it to be reviewed by others and get some honest inputs.

Thanks, KnowledgeHegemonyPart2 (talk) 06:50, 21 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting article, here are some suggestions for improvement:

The article is text dense and image poor - could you add a map or two showing Maharashtra, Mumbai, perhaps other places mentioned in the article? Also are there any free images of the Thackerays or other people mentioned that could be used?
The lead is quite long and could perhaps be a little more of a summary, leaving some more detail to the article itself. For example, after introducing the party abbreviations MNS and SP, use them instead of the whole party name again. Or in this sentence The rally was to be addressed by former Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mulayam Singh Yadav, former Andhra Pradesh chief Minister Chandrababu Naidu and former Jammu and Kashmir chief minister Farooq Abdullah, former Haryana chief minister Om Prakash Chautala former Jharkhand chief minister Babulal Marandi and many others.[2] is it really necessary to list all of these politicians in the lead? Could just the one or two most prominent be listed here, with the rest in the body of the article?

Removed the sentence from the lead altogether

I like the brief overview (Background) after the lead and before the rest of the article that briefly explained the political situation - could it also give some of the geographic, economic and ethnic background to the attacks? It also has no dates - when was MNS founded, for example? Provide context for the reader, WP:PCR

Done

Watch POV and peacock language - for example In a lead up to the clashes, Raj Thackeray had days earlier flayed popular Bollywood actor... To flay is literally removing skin from the body, why not just use "attacked"? See WP:NPOV and WP:PEACOCK
References usually go at the end of a phrase or sentence, after the punctuation
I am not sure what this means After many days of hesitation coupled with contemplation[6][7] the police ultimately arrested Raj Thackeray and... contemplation?

Removed 'contemplation'

Do wikilink place names on their first occurence, such as "Mumbai, Pune, Nashik, Amravati"

Done

Don't over link - Shiv Sena is linked at least twice just in the lead. Most editors see anything more than one link in the lead and one in the body of the text as excessive (plus infobox links). At most use one link per section. Done
Don't use abbreviations that have not been defined already, so I assume UP is Uttar Pradesh in from various parts of the country, particularly the UP and Bihar... but the article needs to make this clear. Done
Be consistent - is it "sons-of-the-soil" or "sons-of-soil" or "sons of soil" or "son of soil"? All four are used, there may be more. Pick one and stick with it.
Ref for a direct quote should come tight after the quote accoring to WP:MOS. See ...If he is willing to donate land, we can start a school in the name of Aishwarya here." However, Amitabh himself abstained to comment on the issue.[23] Also "abstained to comment" is awkward - the article needs a copyedit from a fresh pair of eyes.

changed wording. have applied for ce to WP:LOCE

I would use exact dates (when known), instead of vague time terms so More than a month and half after the Raj's remarks about him, Amitabh.. and Then days later at a press conference... could be more exact as to the actual date. Done
By the MOS, quotes should not be set off unless they are at least four lines long.done
Who flied the petition - be specific A petition was filed in the Patna civil court on February 8th against Thackeray for his remarks over Chhath. [31] (and remove the space after the period and before the ref)
I like that attacks gives exact dates, but do not think each date has to be its own paragraph - try to avoid one or two sentence paragraphs and short sections by combining them with others or perhaps expanding them. tried doing
It seems like the two most serious incidents in February were two deaths - these should somehow be made more prominent in the descriptions. Perhaps a introductory sentence or two - "The attacks began on February 3 with relatively minor incidents and police inactivity, but by the 13th two people were killed and a man lost both hands."done
Article needs to say why the violence stopped after Feb 13th in the Atacks section
March and April are very short - could these sections be combined? combined
The organization by them does not make much sense to me. The attacks are presented as a block, but we have no idea why the stop after Feb 13. Then we are told Raj Thackeray is arrested at the start of the "North Indians flee Maharashtra" section, but we are not told any details until two sections (six subsections) later. I owuld try to tell the story more or less chronologically, this is very confusing as is. Done

Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 18:04, 25 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Wonderful review! I thought no one will care reviewing this 'not-so-familiar' topic. Anyways, I have on worked on your points. Need your response. Thanks a lot Ruhrfisch for reviewing. Will keep you updated. KnowledgeHegemonyPart2 (talk) 10:05, 26 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Second look by Ruhrfisch: As requested I took a second look at the article. Isee there have been a lot of edits and it is imporved. I am also fine with marking things as Done or other comments, just not using the graphics please.

I still find ten instances of "Maharashtra Navnirman Sena" spelled out - I would keep it spelled out in the lead, the first instance in the timeline, in the photo caption, and in of course in any direct quotes. That said, part of the point of abbreviations is to use them consistently, so I would replace most if not all of the rest of the appearances. Same for other abbreviations used - there are at least five uses of "Samajwadi Party" before the refs. You can use the search function in your web browser to find them.Done

As for images, there are free images of Image:Samajwadiparty.PNG this flag and this map of Maharashtra Image:India Maharashtra locator map.svg. I am not sure if this map Image:Hindi belt.png would be useful for North Indians or not, but assume there are locator maps for Uttar Pradesh and Bihar that could be used if desired?
If there is a good photo on the web, I think it could be used under fair use claims. One or perhaps two would be OK. See WP:FAIR USE.
The organization is still not chronological and still confuses the reader who does not have much background on these attacks. I would at least add a few sentences in the Attacks section on the arrest of Raj and workers fleeing to provide context when those sections come up later. There are still many short paragraphs and sections.

I would be glad to look yet again, but please address the organization before asking again. Keep up the good work, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 15:40, 26 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Third look Seems to flow much better - here are some final ideas for improvement.

I would identify the map with a caption - not everyone will know this shows the location of Maharashtra
Still needs a copy edit - I read for comprehension, but saw a doubled "streets", probably would start the first sentence with "The", etc. Requested user:Finetooth
I learned a new word - objurgate - thanks!
Instead of Abhishek Bachchan- Aishwarya Rai's marriage, I would write Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai's marriage

reword

Could the SP flag image be added to the "Clashes between MNS and SP workers" section?
These do not seem to match - On February 13, as news of Raj’s impending arrest spread across the state... in the Attacks section, but in the "Arrests of Raj Thackeray and Abu Asim Azmi" section it says they were arrested on February 11, so the arrest could have been "impending" on the 13th

corrected

"Expression of displeasure by the Supreme Court" section needs the date(s) of these statements. Refs for each quote should directly follow the quote done
I would make the section head "Resumal of verbal attacks on North Indians" just "Resumption of verbal attacks" (avoid repeating the title or a larg part of it). "Resumal" is not a common word. done

Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 15:40, 3 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]