Wikipedia:Peer review/Agrippina the Elder/archive1

Agrippina the Elder

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I'd like to promote this article to FA, and am particularly interested in prose suggestions. Any ideas on how to improve the article to get it promoted are welcomed.

Thanks, SpartaN (talk) 21:01, 26 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Eddie891

I'll comment soon. When I forget to respond in a couple days, ping me. However, at a cursory glance of the lede, I am left wondering if she did anything besides have children. Perhaps what SHE did beyond have children and ancestors might merit a mention in the lede. Please expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The article should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should adequately summarize the article. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 23:17, 26 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@Eddie891: You said to ping you in a couple days. Also, I updated the lead like you suggested. SpartaN (talk) 17:17, 29 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Really sorry about the unexceptable time to respond. Here're several comments:

"To distinguish Agrippa's daughter from his granddaughter," 1) I might say "Vipsanius Agrippa" rather than just "Agrippa" as there is such a plethora of Agrippas.

Done - but Marcus Agrippa is the disambiguating term (Vipsanius Agrippa is just as ambiguous because all Agrippae in that family are Vipsanii).

"lit. "Agrippina the Elder" Spell out lit, not as an abbreviation, as I personally don't know what it means.

Done

"His father was a key general in Augustus' armies, commanding troops in pivotal battles against Mark Antony and Sextus Pompeius." perhaps rewrite as "His father, Lucius Vipsanius Agrippa, was a key general in Augustus' armies, commanding troops in pivotal battles against Mark Antony and Sextus Pompeius." You also have to be careful who you are referring to as "Agrippa" because it can get very confusing. (see MOS:SURNAME) Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 18:28, 1 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Done.

"princeps" link to Princeps senatus?

Done.

Sorry to butt in, but this is incorrect. Princeps senatus was initially an honour and later an office of the Roman Republic. The correct link would be Princeps, a completely different title created by Augustus. Factotem (talk) 22:39, 2 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Oops. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 14:09, 3 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Augustus held the fifth ever Ludi Saeculares ("Secular Games")." remove "ever"?

I feel like because there were ever only five held up to that point, over the course of centuries, that it helps make it clear how rare they were. Maybe I should include that information instead? But that could be too much unrelated information.

" However, " uncapitalize "However" Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 18:28, 1 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Done.

I'll be commenting on the rest soon. It should be noted that I am just basing my comments on what looks like it needs fixing, not my opinion.

", and was related to all the Julio-Claudian emperors." seeing as you say she is a member of the dynasty, isn't this a bit repetitive?

Fixed

"but the Pannonians gave up and surrendered." perhaps replace but with something else like "and the ... that same year."

Fixed

"untimely deaths" perhaps remove untimely?

done

"(not to be confused with emperor Tiberius)" perhaps unnecessary?

done

" was trusted with years earlier" perhaps just say "given years earlier"?

done

"ordered Piso to leave the province which Piso began to do." Comma ("ordered Piso to leave the province, which Piso began to do.")?

done

"and if she did she must have closely studied Livia's similar Gemma Augustea for inspiration." perhaps unnecessary? better covered on the page about the Cameo of France?

done

" Unfortunately" unnecessary?

done

"This effectively" remove effectively?

The factions were informal so to remove this could be seen as accepting the formation of political parties surrounding them

"Tiberius was non happy" perhaps you mean "Tiberius was not happy"

yep. Fixed.

"found herself placed" perhaps simply "was placed"?

"his association with Tiberius was such that there were even those in Roman society" perhaps remove the even, unless it is really an "even!" thing?

done

", the exact reasoning for which remains unclear. " perhaps change to ", the exact cause for which remains unclear. "

done

"It was no easy task to recover " perhaps change to "It was not easy to recover"

done

"; However" Uncapitalize?

done

"He says that Livia visited "stepmotherly provocations" on Agrippina. He says" the two He says are awfully repetitive.

fixed

That's all from me. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 23:34, 3 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review. SpartaN (talk) 23:45, 3 February 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from AustralianRupert

G'day, sorry not really a topic I know anything about. One minor thing stood out to me: "Bingham 1999" appears in your citations but not in the Bibliography. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 02:41, 27 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks! I seem to be having that problem a lot lately. I'm probably just being forgetful is all. Btw how is everyone else able to tell? Is there a add-on for that? Otherwise people are clicking through every one manually and that is just commitment. SpartaN (talk) 02:45, 27 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

G'day, if you install this script, it will show up in red for you. To do this, you just add "User:Ucucha/HarvErrors.js" to your monobook.js page. You can find mine here which might help you with the mark up coding for setting one up: User:AustralianRupert/monobook.js. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 05:14, 27 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]