Wikipedia:Peer review/Alexander Graham Bell/archive1

Alexander Graham Bell

Looking for Peer Review to get to GA status. --Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ) 16:14, 13 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

4u1e's comments

According to Wikipedia's guidelines, the lead should be longer. There's plenty more material that can be included in two or three paragraphs of summary.
It would 'feel' better to me to describe his parents before his siblings, but I'm not sure I can explain why!
Re middle names (and this is probably too trivial to cover in the article) it strikes me as odd that his three brothers all had middle names, but that he apparently did not until he adopted one at the age of 11. Are we sure that the story is correct?
Which version of English is the article in? I can see 'at age 11', which is American English (instead of 'at the age of 11'), but I can also see 'honoured', which is British English. I guess you can make a case for either version, given the man's history, but whichever it is it should be consistent. (On further reading, It looks like the article is in US English, in which case 'honoured' needs to be changed to 'honored', and any other necessary changes).
The order of events in the early part of 'Biography' seems a little mixed up. I would suggest moving the elements on deafness in the first para to around about the second mention of deafness (the fourth para).
Some one sentence paragraphs throughout, which probably need to be integrated more fully into the flow of the piece. 4u1e 14:30, 14 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
What's a 'pupil-teacher'? Not a term I've heard of before - a pupil who also teaches? Suggest it should be clarified.
"The following year, he attended the University of Edinburgh, but he graduated from the University of Toronto." I assume that he did not graduate from Toronto until after he emigrated to Canada in 1870, 6 years later? If so, this should be clarified.
"He served as an instructor at Somerset College, Bath, Somerset, England". Do we know what he was an instructor in?
"...endeavored to find a way to transmit musical notes and articulate speech." Is ambiguous. Should it be "...endeavored to find a way to transmit speech and musical notes"?
The wikilink to the Bell Telephone Company goes to a disambiguation page. I guess it should probably go to American Telephone & Telegraph, or that a new article should be created, or there should be a redlink here.
The split between the biography and the other sections doesn't quite come off at present. I like the general principle, which I take to be to give an overview of his life first, before going into particular topics in depth. It's an approach I use myself. At present, though, the biography section doesn't cover enough of Bell's career - in particular the 'invention' (or whatever term you wish to use!) of the telephone. In the current version para 9 of the biography has Bell wondering whether he has the knowledge to make a telephone work. The next para starts with the foundation of the Bell Telephone Company - surely there must be something significant development that can be summarised in between these two points! More generally, in places the 'Biography' feels a bit like it's all the bits that couldn't be got in under any of the other headings (sorry!). I would suggest reviewing the structure and content of the biography from scratch, and finding other homes for bits of information that do not fit.
Bell's presidency of the National Geographic Society is repeated in two successive paragraphs; Suggest that it be rewritten so that it appears only once.
"Upon Bell's death, the nation's phones stilled their ringing for a silent minute in tribute to the man whose yearning to communicate made them possible." - This is unreferenced, sounds a bit unlikely and is not really in encyclopedic style: If it is true, and can be referenced, suggest something along the lines of "On Bell's death, phone services in the United States were suspended for one minute in tribute."
- Appears to be an uncredited lift from this page. Another option would therefore be to put it in quote marks and attribute it, although it's a bit dramatic for my tastes! 4u1e 08:07, 15 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Does the 'Competitors' section belong here in such detail? I was expecting a brief summary of all the others who had worked on various telephone like devices, and their relationship to Bell, rather than a detailed account of Meucci's work. I suggest the current material be cut down, and perhaps some added on other inventors. I also suggest refocussing the piece on AGB's own involvement.
The heading 'Other inventions' under 'Later inventions' is a bit awkward - can an alternative be found?
The 'Other inventions' section lacks any inline references. Can these be added?
What is " the metal jacket that assists in breathing"? Sounds a bit like an Iron lung, but I can see no reference to Bell in that article.
"investigated on how to separate salt from seawater" Is this an invention? If so what is it? If not, suggest it is moved out of the list of inventions.
The 'Eugenics' section has no inline references. This is always going to be a controversial topic and needs to be carefully referenced from excellent sources.
'Tributes' is a bit listy, and reads a little like a trivia section. What is the relevance of the points listed? (presuambly that Bell has made it into the wider public consciousness or similar)
You need to reference points marked as ^{[citation needed]}

Hope that's helpful - it is intended to be! Please contact me if you have any questions. Cheers. 4u1e 18:28, 14 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]