Wikipedia:Peer review/Arthur Phillip/archive1

Arthur Phillip

I've listed this article for peer review because I just recently got it to pass a GA and thought I’d do a peer review before nominating for feature article

Thanks, Knightmare 3112 (talk) 01:09, 23 December 2021 (UTC)

STANDARD NOTE: I have added this PR to the Template:FAC peer review sidebar to get quicker and more responses. When this PR is closed, please remove it from the list. Also, consider adding the sidebar to your userpage to help others discover pre-FAC PRs, and please review other articles in that template. Thanks! Z1720 (talk) 04:17, 28 December 2021 (UTC)

Placeholder by Kavyansh

Will take a look in a day or two, or three or four. I reviewed it for GA, and am happy to know that it is being considered for FA! Ping me if I forget. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 07:15, 29 December 2021 (UTC)

@Kavyansh.Singh: Z1720 (talk) 16:19, 23 January 2022 (UTC)

Thanks for the ping, Z1720. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 18:33, 23 January 2022 (UTC)

Comments

• The structure of the lead can be improved. Currently, we have no information about his "Early life". I'll suggest breaking the lead into four paragraphs.
  • The first one should be a synopsis of the lead. Something like "Admiral Arthur Phillip (11 October 1738 – 31 August 1814) was a British Royal Navy officer who served as the first governor of the Colony of New South Wales." would be better.
  • Start the second paragraph with his early life, covering till 1786.
  • The third paragraph should cover his life from 1786 till 1792, his returned to Britain. This one includes his important career as the governor of New South Wales.
  • The last paragraph should start with his later life, and should cover his death, as well as his legacy. That would definitely frame a better lead section. Feel free to change anything from above suggestion.
    • Done
• was appointed by Lord Sydney to the position of commander — why not just "was appointed by Lord Sydney as the commander"?
  • Done
• soon saw that New South Wales would need a civil administration and a system for emancipating convicts — I'm sure he did not "saw", he "realized"
  • Done
• By the time Phillip sailed home in December 1792, however, the colony — I always try to cut words like "however", "nevertheless", "Anyhow", wherever possible. Here, I think 'however' isn't much required.
  • Done
• to receive medical treatment — for what disease?
  • Added that it was kidney stones
• before dying 31 August 1814 — better would be "before his death on 31 August 1814"
  • Done
• in the London ward of Bread Street — shouldn't it be "in Bread Street, London"
  • Changed, that was the way it was written in source
• He was the son of an immigrant from Frankfurt, Jacob Phillip, who — suggesting "He was the son of Jacob Phillip, an immigrant from Frankfurt, who"
  • Done
• Let me just confirm, was Jacob Phillip his step-father? Because "His mother, Elizabeth Breach, was the widow of a common seaman by the name of John Herbert"
  • Jacob is his father, the rest is just a bit of background of his mother
• In keeping with — how about "In accordance with"?
  • Done
• Phillip was "unassuming — should be "Phillip was an "unassuming"
  • Done
• considerably longer than the average student stay of twelve months — (1) we shouldn't add 'considerably', as the difference in time of stay itself justifies that it was considerably long (2) "twelve months" = 1 year; should change it.
  • Done
• 210-ton — I am not sure, but should be have a conversion to lbs as well??
• He left the Greenwich Hospital — specify 'Phillip'
  • Done
• and spent the winter aboard — MOS:SEASON discourages use of season to refer to a particular point of time in the year.
  • Changed to next few months aboard
• as quoted by Hughes — I think Hughes deserves his full name to be mentionned.
  • Done
• the summer of 1754 — MOS:SEASON
  • Changed to when ship left england
• thirty crew members — should write 30 in number; see MOS:SPELL09
  • Done
• As an apprentice, Phillip remained aboard as — we had already been told that he was "an apprentice"
  • Removed
• On 16 October 1755, he enlisted — specify that 'he' here is 'Philip'
  • Done
• In July 1763, he married — same as above
  • Done
• Margaret Charlotte Denison née Tibbott (known as Charlott) — suggesting to keep "née Tibbott" in the parenthesis
  • Done
• the English press in 1786 — should that be 1777?
  • This incident isn't mentioned in English press at time it occured, only once he was appointed to a similar mission for the British

That brings me to "Recommissioned into Royal Navy" sub-section. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 18:33, 23 January 2022 (UTC)

Do ping me once you have finished with all these, I'll add another lot of comments. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 18:06, 27 January 2022 (UTC)

Ping to Knightmare 3112 – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 13:46, 11 February 2022 (UTC)

Ping Kavyansh.Singh --Knightmare 3112 (talk) 04:40, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

Continuing

• "ending of the American War" — American Revolutionary War?
• "After his return to England from India in April 1784" — but we never tell when he went India
• "Bourbon Powers, France and Spain" — "Bourbon Powers, France, and Spain"?
• "a party of twenty-three, including fifteen convicts" — these both could be written as numbers
• A "[clarification needed]" tag needs to be resolved
• "Sam Neill in the 2005 film The Incredible Journey of Mary Bryant and David Wenham in the 2015 mini-series Banished." — Source?

I have not read full article, but the remaining part, on a quick look, seems fine. The sources without page numbers should have them for FAC (as mentioned in the GAN page) With all these changes made, I strongly suggest you to take this to Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/A-Class review before FAC. That really helps! – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 05:51, 2 March 2022 (UTC)