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Wikipedia:Peer review/Bale Out/archive1

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Bale Out

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article has succesfully passed through various formats of review including DYK, AFD, and most recently GA. Looking for some helpful input on ways to further improve the article. Thanks for your time, Cirt (talk) 08:27, 12 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Note: Notices left at Wikipedia talk:WikiProject Internet culture, Wikipedia talk:WikiProject Media, Wikipedia talk:WikiProject Songs, and Wikipedia talk:WikiProject Electronic music. Cirt (talk) 08:44, 12 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Responses to semi-automated review
  • Actually the article does have free-use images.
  • The word doesn't appears inside a citation, not the article body text.
  • Will continue to perform additional copyediting.

Cirt (talk) 10:27, 13 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comment
Done. I went ahead and removed the image from the infobox [1]. Cirt (talk) 20:28, 15 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comments from Laser brain
  1. "Piane said he was 'drawn to the musicality' of Bale's voice." Please provide some context of why Piane said this.. the statement comes out of right field as is.
  2. "He utilized the audio recording of Bale's voice, along with beats to a pulsating dance track, as well as audio clips of Barbara Streisand." We need to find a much more elegant way of describing what Piane used in the song. Something like, "Various audio elements went into the remix, such as the recording of Bale's voice, pulsating dance track beats, and audio clips of Barbara Streisand." Also, what kind of audio clips? Songs? Dialog?
  3. "The track was released to the Internet on websites YouTube and MySpace" Really, "The track was released on YouTube and MySpace web sites" would suffice. Web sites is two words.
  4. "the track on YouTube had received over 200,000 views" Much too colloquial; "the track on YouTube had been viewed over 200,000 times" is better. "had reached over one million views" has the same problem. We can't use the YouTube jargon here of "receiving" and "reaching" views. Now that I think about it, how is an audio track released to YouTube? Don't they host videos only?
  5. "A portion of the remix was played on The Situation Room on CNN on February 3, 2009, and on February 5 members of the crew from Anderson Cooper 360° danced to the RevoLucian remix." How is this relevant? Someone on a TV show dancing to the song is not ideal material.
  6. "While Christian Bale was acting in a scene ..." More specific: "Bale was filming a scene ..."
  7. "Bale can be heard screaming obscenities" is needlessly wordy. "Bale screamed obscenities"
  8. "and an audio recording of Bale yelling at Hurlbut appeared" We've already set up what the audio recording is. Therefore "the audio recording appeared" is sufficient.
  9. "Prior to releasing the audio on the internet, TMZ.com had reported on the incident on their website in July 2008." Needs rewriting. Maybe "Prior to releasing the audio on the internet, TMZ.com had reported the incident the month it happened." We can assume they reported it on their own site without saying so.
  10. "quit the film" seems needlessly colloquial and you use it multiple times.
  11. "In a statement to Los Angeles radio station KROQ ..." This whole paragraph needs work. One quotation changes the tense of the sentence and needs adjusting. The last quotation lacks logical punctuation—see WP:PUNC.
  12. "The 'Bale Out' piece incorporates audio clips of from the exchange ..." Looks like there is an extra word in there.
  13. The Reception section contains similar problems as the lead with YouTube jargon-language.
  14. Ditto the comment from the lead about the TV show crew dancing. Not particularly interesting or relevant.
  15. After reading, I am left with a feeling of a lack of comprehensiveness, but I suspect it is because I kept trying to approach this as a "music" article rather than the "meme" article it really is. Are we sure there isn't any more detailed information about the song production (method, software, hardware, etc.)? --Laser brain (talk) 21:02, 16 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Response

Thanks very much, I will work on addressing these above points soon. Cirt (talk) 22:43, 16 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Update: Okay I believe I have addressed these above points [2] - unfortunately there really isn't much else out there in reliable sources to include, and I haven't come across much else as far as song production information. I will keep looking though. ;) Cirt (talk) 23:54, 16 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comment

Scartol (talk · contribs) is doing some copyediting on the article. Cirt (talk) 19:00, 28 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Scartol

Sorry for the delay here. It looks like you've found most of what can be said about this track (though I agree with the comment above that it's really more of an internet meme piece, but that's a discussion I can't really enter into here). So kudos on the relative comprehensiveness of this article, despite the general lack of info available about it. Here are some comments; feel free to change or ignore these items at will.

Lead

  • There are a lot of general-interest links in the first sentence of the lead. I'd recommend removing at least half of them to avoid overlinking.
  • The Wall Street Journal described the background as "a driving house music track". I would remove this sentence from the lead, as it doesn't really add much in the context of the other comments around it.

Background

  • Bale threatened to quit the film if Hurlbut repeated the error and was not fired. (I've revised the wording of this sentence a bit to match surrounding sentences.) Does this mean Bale threatened to quit if either Hurlbut repeated the error or was not fired? Or does it mean that Bale threatened to quit if Hurlbut repeated the error, after which he was not fired? (The sentence should be clarified to make the truth more obvious.)

Composition

  • "When I heard Christian Bale flip out I had to remix the track.... Its good to hear that clubs have already started playing it as it is very funny," said Piane. I assume the "Its" is a typo? (It should be "it's", since it's a contraction. Of course, if the original does not include the apostrophe, then it should be represented here in the wrong form. Maybe include a footnote in that case that the original source is the one with the typo?)

Reception

  • The commentary feels a little endless here. I would pick several of the most important/interesting quotes from articles about the remix, and put them together into a single paragraph. We don't need to know what every single article said about it. (The final paragraph, especially, is just a laundry list of what each person thought.)
  • Aside from being fun to listen to, was the remix important for any reason? Did it help Piane promote the RuPaul album? Did it help either Piane's career or Bale's? Did Bale comment on the remix? Those larger questions would be a good way to end the final section.

Good luck with this article. I apologize again for the delay, and of course if you have any questions please let me know. Scartol • Tok 20:12, 28 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Okay I addressed these above points [3], most of which I just took the suggestions and changed the article directly because they are all pretty much for the most part excellent points. As far as the last bit, I trimmed the Reception subsection down a bit, but as far as the very last point - WP:RS sources don't seem to address those specific points - but I shall endeavor to do some more research and digging to attempt to find answers to those questions. Cirt (talk) 21:33, 28 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Update: From the last point - added comments from McG and Christian Bale about the remix. Cirt (talk) 20:51, 10 October 2009 (UTC)[reply]
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