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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want to take it to FAC but am in need of outside eyes to determine if it requires additional material or otherwise lacks comprehensiveness. Also, of course, comments on general improvements are welcome! Bazy was a fascinating lady with a great personal story, should be a fun read and review!
Thanks, Montanabw(talk) 19:47, 11 July 2014 (UTC)
Comments by Wehwalt
edit- Lede
- Given that you mention she was raised among, etc., a mention that Mark Hanna was dead, say by preceding him with "late" would be good.
- Done--MTBW
- The second to last sentence in the first paragraph could probably be split
- OK --MTBW
- "Joseph McCormick died when Tankersley was a child. Her mother " I would reverse these and say "Her father ... Ruth McCormick" as I think the reader would be less likely to check on who was who.
- Tweaked, if you can improve that wording further, go for it. --MTBW
- Possibly it could be mentioned that her relationship with second husband to be during her publisher stint was extramarital.
- Implied throughout, but I can't find a source that actually says so precisely, so am going to duck that one claiming WP:SYNTH. --MTBW
- I think you could delete "Arabian horse" (i.e., the second mention of the breed) from the 1st sentence of the last paragraph.
- Reworded to clarify Arabians versus horses she had owned/ridden in other contexts. Again, feel free to tweak the phrasing --MTBW
- " foundation sire, a stallion named" isn't there redundancy here? Obviously a foundation sire is a stallion, right? Could "a stallion named" be deleted? A similar phrasing is in the body as well, same comment.
- Chopped the first, reworded the second. As you are a non-horse person, feel free to tweak more if needed and if the nuance is messed up, I'll fix that. -MTBW
- "in those years" seems redundant
- Reworded--MTBW
- Personal life
- Both here and in the lede I question the capitalization of "Progressive". She was likely progressive, but there doesn't seem to have been a Progressive Republican Party at the time of her congressional service. Her article just says Republican. I would lower case it. Also "Congressman" should be lower case as it is being used as a descriptor, not a title.
- Feel free to tweak any of those as you see fit. I know I do at times over-capitalize, but after the species/breed wars, I've kind of given up on capitalization issues. I'll just trust your judgement on that one --MTBW
- The wealth of the McCormicks could be mentioned in the first paragraph
- help: Cited to what source? I think I'd need a new one.--MTBW
- Newspaper career
- I don't think friend needs to be in quotes.
- Her choice of words, but OK --MTBW
- Did the Senate resolve that those quotes were true, or was it one senator (I don't have those downloads anymore)?
- Need to check: Will have to dig into that. --MTBW
- You asked about if the level of coverage here was appropriate. I think it is. She is not well known as a newsperson, but rather for her horse activities and given the limited patience of readers and reviewers, I think you do not have to dig as deeply.
- help -do you mean it is long enough as is or that it's already too long? --MTBW
- I mean it is long enough as it stands.--Wehwalt (talk) 20:37, 10 August 2014 (UTC)
- Horse breeding
- Is the Fifi material really germane to a biography of Bazy?
- For now, I think it is, yes. The Scottsdale Show is the biggest Arabian horse show in the world, and I can't find a source for the precise connection between the two women, but I know they were connected. If I had enough material to establish independent notability for an article on Fifi, I'd do it, but I don't. She founded the Scottsdale show and imported *Naborr, other than that, she's pretty obscure. --MTBW
- Maryland
- Looking from the vantage of the other side of the river, I would not deem "Potomac" to be "outside of Bethesda", they are several miles apart, which is no doubt trivial in Montana but not so in the Washington suburbs. I would delete the Bethesda reference. If you know the DC suburbs, you know where Potomac is, if you don't, mentioning Bethesda leaves you none the wiser, really.
- help: The WAPO source said "Their property, initially in Bethesda and later in Barnesville..." The Ahneman source says "..a 1,500-acre farm in Potomac, MD" Given that you are on the ground there, so to speak, can you help me out with this? Would "Montgomery County" cover all locations? --MTBW
- Yes.
- " a Hanstead-bred horse whom she purchased outright by 1959" whom generally to me seems to indicate a person.
- Reworded --MTBW
- Could golden crosses be explained?
- help: Existing article sources use the term without definition. I can define it if I have a source that will pass muster, which is actually difficult to find. Will this source pass muster for a definition? I'd probably say something like "..."golden crosse"—a combination of bloodlines that produce exceptional animals?" --MTBW
- That sounds good.
- Tucson AZ
- "During her years in Arizona, " this seems redundant
- Reworded --MTBW
- Legacy
- Her death seems out of place here. I would move it to the Arizona section, together with her support of Giffords and voting for Obama, and the other political matter. That really isn't "legacy". If you want to add to the legacy section, some mention of how many people went through her apprenticeship program over how long might be good.
- help: Hmm. I see your point, though it also feels a little weird in the Arizona section, given that the focus there is on horse breeding. Maybe this section should be renamed? --MTBW
- I would mention something the foundation has done since her death. That fits "legacy" a bit better.
- She just died last year, so not much has happened yet other than what she has set up to swing into gear with her passing. The lady planned very, very well. About all I've noticed is that her son has gotten the ranch reorganized and seems to have his feet under him. --MTBW
- All I know is what I read in those articles, but it seems comprehensive to me. Are there any areas that you're concerned about? I think it should do OK at FAC, though reviewers are always hard to come by.--Wehwalt (talk) 07:11, 1 August 2014 (UTC)
- " foundation sire, a stallion named" isn't there redundancy here? Obviously a foundation sire is a stallion, right? Could "a stallion named" be deleted? A similar phrasing is in the body as well, same comment.
- Wehwalt I think my first concern was if I'd done enough with the political stuff from the 50s and 60s. Also wondering how far to drill down with her charitable works and political 180 in Arizona. As with the Davenport piece, I am most familiar with her horse-breeding accomplishments. If you have the time, perhaps read this article (already used as a source) which covers more on her non-horse activities in Arizona, and see if in your opinion, I've left out something significant and should add more material. Montanabw(talk) 21:36, 1 August 2014 (UTC)
- I will look over the unresolved matters and get back to you in the next couple of days. I will read the article but I really think you don't have to emphasize the politics.--Wehwalt (talk) 20:35, 10 August 2014 (UTC)