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Wikipedia:Peer review/Cato June/archive1

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Cato June

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it seems to be well developed enough to have FA potential. I hope to nominate in the fall.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 18:42, 7 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

comment by doncram Looks good. You have a wide range of expertise! "Redshirt" used four times in this passage: "He became a starter toward the end of his redshirt freshman year, but missed the entire redshirt sophomore season due to injury. He returned as a starter as a redshirt junior and started as a safety until an injury slowed him down late in his redshirt senior season." But, the link to redshirt explains that a college athlete can have one "redshirt" year, not four, does not define terms like "redshirt junior", whcih I don't understand. doncram (talk) 03:39, 15 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Once you redshirt for a year your academic progress and athletic eligibility will not mesh. In college athletics Redshirt as an adjective means that although academically you may have a different classification, you are athletically that term. Thus a redshirt freshman may be a sophomore or junior in his classes. A redshirt junior may be a senior or a graduate student. How would you suggest that the text be changed.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 05:28, 15 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Okay, i will base my suggestion on what I see now is stated in the redshirt (college sports) article: "The term redshirt freshman indicates an academic sophomore (second-year student) who is in the first season of athletic eligibility. A redshirt freshman is distinguished from a true freshman (first-year student) as one who has practiced with the team for the prior season. The term redshirt sophomore is also commonly used to indicate an academic junior (third-year student) who is in the second season of athletic eligibility. After the sophomore year the term redshirt is rarely used, instead the terms fourth year junior and fifth year senior are more common." Then I suggest rewording your passage to "He became a starter toward the end of his redshirt freshman year, but missed the entire next year due to injury. He returned as a starter as a fourth year junior and started as a safety until an injury slowed him down late in his fifth year senior season." doncram (talk) 18:21, 15 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
You have taught me something about sports. Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:33, 15 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive and generally reads well. Most of my suggestions have to do with relatively minor prose and style issues. It's hard to write in depth about a sport without using the jargon of the game, and that's true of soccer and baseball and other sports as well as football. I've noted a few places where I think a non-football fan might get lost; I think this can generally be fixed by re-wording or by adding a brief explanation or, if that's too clumsy to embed in the text, a footnote.

Lead

Early years

  • "June and Marjani Dele, his divorced mother, moved to the northwest section of Washington D.C. as a sophomore in 1995." - This slowed me down because at first I thought it meant that Marjani Dele was a sophomore. Maybe "When June was a sophomore, he and Marjani Dele, his divorced mother... "?
  • "Following the move, she enrolled him in a summer in a college prep program... " - Delete second "in a"?
  • "Washington, D.C." needs a comma in this section and elsewhere in the article. When it or other city-state combinations occur in the middle of a sentence, they also need a trailing comma after the state. Example: "moved to the northwest section of Washington, D.C., as a sophomore...".
  • "By mid-season he was being mentioned across the country as the nations best player." - Possessive: nation's best player.
  • "Entering the championship game, no one had caught a touchdown against him and he had not fumbled the football." - Dangling modifier. Suggestion: "Before the championship game, no one had caught... ".
    • O.K., but I used "Prior to" instead of "Before"

College career

Indianapolis Colts

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

General

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:45, 18 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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