Wikipedia:Peer review/D.Gray-man/archive1

D.Gray-man

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because last year it became a GA and now I have plans to make it FA but I have a lot of doubts. Are some images unnecessary? Should I add one? Does this article need more information about the series? I modeled it after the GA Shaman King but lately there haven't been too many FAs in the project. I'm leaving pings to users who might help

Of course I'm also thinking of a copy-edit. Thanks, Tintor2 (talk) 20:53, 28 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

DragonZero

My comments are going to be more of personal preferences that I think will improve the article.

"which led Hoshino to once" I would put the once before led.
"the young demographic" I would remove the young here, but that's just preference.
I actually follow the series, and I think you can reduce some of the jargon in the plot until they play a bigger role, and aim at making it easier for newcomers to understand.
You should aim at reducing short paragraphs. The second paragraph in anime adaptation could probably be merged into the first one.

I didn't give it a thorough look, but I'll try and come back for another check later. I also didn't receive a ping, and only found this from the A/M news section. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 02:36, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks DragonZero. I tried doing what you told me but I still don't know if some jargons like "Innocence" or "Heart" should be left out considering the latter became more important in volume 22. Guess I'll just mention the other users as the ping didn't work.

User:Jaguar, User:Aoba47, User:Sjones23, User:Gerda Arendt and User:IDV.Tintor2 (talk) 15:17, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I don't really know anything about this series, and would rather not read through the article until I have read the manga/watched the anime. I can however say that you should archive all web refs.--IDV^talk 15:22, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. Still, I think the archive bot did all that some months ago.Tintor2 (talk) 15:26, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I believe it only does it for already dead links.--IDV^talk 17:31, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Now I think I archived everything.Tintor2 (talk) 23:43, 29 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I can't see anything outstanding. But there's a redlink in Ref 117 that needs sorting. --ProtoDrake (talk) 18:14, 31 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. Changed the link.Tintor2 (talk) 18:56, 31 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Aoba47

I will put comments up by the end of today or tomorrow if that is okay with you. I apologize for the delay. Aoba47 (talk) 20:20, 1 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

In the second paragraph of the "Production" section, I would suggest adding something to the second sentence to make it flow better from the opening sentence (maybe something along the lines of "She chose the title "D. Gray-man" as it meant..."
I would revise portions of the third paragraph of the same section for awkward wording/sentence construction. The following sentence for instance, ("In the rewritten one version which was published, that one of her ideas Hoshino was that a child Kanda would walk across a path sorrounded by all the people who have been taking care of him."), this sentence needs to be revised for clarity.
You reference a scene being cut due to it being so violent in the same paragraph, but I am not sure what you are referencing. What scene was cut? The scene of Kanda walking across a path? If so, that does not sound violent to me. Also, wouldn't removed or rejected be a better word choice than avoided?
I would suggest looking through the "Production" section and revise it to make a stronger narrative. All of the information is very good, but the presentation is a little all over the place. For instance, the last paragraph is about how New York influenced her work, which I would think would go before the section on her response to the popularity of certain characters and the editing process.
Remember to fill out the "Media data and Non-free use rationale" for the image in the "Publication" section. I am not sure that this image is necessary, especially if you want to take this to FAC.
I am not a fan of the short paragraphs in the "Soundtracks" subsection. I generally do not think one sentence-two sentence paragraphs are a good idea and it may be better to track to make this section flow together more rather than looking like/reading like a list.

@Tintor2: These are the primary items that I have noticed while looking through it. Hope you find this helpful. I can tell there has been a lot of work and time put into this, but I think it needs revised more before putting it up for FAC. I have noticed some problem areas with prose (the WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors should help with that) and some areas where the information can be better organized and conveyed to the reader. Aoba47 (talk) 21:27, 1 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the feedback UserAoba47. I tried expanding non-free rationale of the first magazine to feature the series. I already requested a copy-edit some days ago. Regards.Tintor2 (talk) 00:06, 2 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Sounds good to me! Good luck with this article. It is an interesting read. Aoba47 (talk) 14:17, 2 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Gabriel Yuji

Lead

"the series tells the story of a boy named Allen Walker, a young member" – I now they are not the same thing, but it's kind of redundant here.
"which once led Hoshino to rewrite a scene she found too violent for the demographic" — you could use this cue to tell the reader what is the demographic.
"In December 29, 2012" – should be "On" if kept this way. In fact I would merge these two sentences: "In December 29, 2012, the series went on an indefinite hiatus. The series began serialization again on July 17, 2015, in a spin-off magazine of Jump Square, Jump SQ.Crown." I mean, you say it's indefinite and then you say when it returned. It is not wrong, I know, but wouldn't it better as "The series was on a hiatus between December 29, 2012 and July 17, 2015, resuming its serialization in a spin-off magazine of Jump Square, Jump SQ.Crown.
"The manga has also been adapted into a 103-episode anime series by TMS Entertainment. It aired from October 3, 2006, to September 30, 2008, in Japan." – why don't you just merge this two sentences with a "that"?
"A 13-episode anime series, D.Gray-Man Hallow was produced by TMS Entertainment" – isn't it missing a comma after "Hallow"?
"It aired in Japan during 2016" – why the precise date is used for the first series and not for Hallow? I don't have a preference at all, but I think you should standardize it.
"Several related items of merchandise have also been produced including two video games about the series" – probably should have a comma before "including" (see)
"Although most reviewers deemed it similar to other series from the same genre, they praised its moments of originality, and its well-developed characters and their personalities in contrast to other shōnen series." – nitpicking, but same genre or same demographic? If it's referring to shōnen, it should be demographic

Plot

"was resurrected by the Earl and a younger Allen destroys it" – it's mixing two tenses; as it's his backstory you can use past tense per MOS:IN-U
"The Hearts is an Innocence that could give them victory over the Noah" – shouldn't it be "The Heart"?
"When Allen disobeys orders to destroy the Akuma of a person named Alma Karma as he' sends him away alongside his fellow Exorcist Yu Kanda, he is eventually confined" – this sentence is confusing; who send who away (and to where?)
"The Noah frees Allen to rescue him from the Apocryphos" – if the "him" is referring to Allen, I guess it would be easier to say "The Noah rescues Allen from the Apocryphos"

Production

Why are the Eearl, Allen, Lenalee, Lavi, Kanda, Alma Karma, Apocryphos linked again? Per MOS:DUPLINK it shouldn't be
We already know he is "the main character of the series" because of the previous section
"The character of Yu Kanda to introduce a change to D.Gray-man's Western setting with him being based on Japanese samurais" – it should be "The character of Yu Kanda was created to introduce..." or "The character of Yu Kanda introduces..."
"Hoshino feels grateful to the editors assisting her, and says she owes her series' success to them" seems a bit displaced in a paragraph about her research in the USA.
"When the series 'was moved from weekly serialization to monthly, Hoshino heard of the concerns expressed by multiple readers that the manga was going to be cancelled" – you don't need the "was" nor the "of the"
"It was by this time that Hoshino set up Kanda's backstory as multiple related characters, the Third Exorcists, appeared to do it." – it sounds strange to me. The "multiple related characters ... appeared" to do what? To set up Kanda's backstory?
"In the rewritten one version which was published, one of her ideas by Hoshino was that a child Kanda would walk across a path sorrounded by all the people who have been taking care of him" – "the rewritten version" and "the rewritten one" would be correct phrases; in this context, though, only the first option is right; choose either "her ideias" or "ideas by Hoshino" (although "Hoshino's ideas" would be better)
"Due to how violent it was, the scene was avoided" – "avoided" is not the best word here
"the scene was replaced with Kanda finding Alma Karma having killed" and "believing as she found it was less gorier" – doesn't seen correct English to me
Anyway it should be better to just merge "Due to how violent it was, the scene was avoided. As a result, the scene was replaced with Kanda finding Alma Karma having killed all of them believing as she found it was less gorier" --> "Due to how violent it was, the scene was replaced with Kanda finding out that Alma Karma had killed all of them because she found it was less gorier"
"this arc set up for Allen's departure from the Black Order featured fewer characters per chapter" – may be an "and" between "Order" and "featured"
Why is "Heart" inside quotation marks here when it's not in the Plot?
I wouldn't open the last sentence with "Nevertheless" as I don't see it as an opposition to the last statement; rather, it sounds a complement

I've only read this far, but I may continue if I have some free time. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 04:50, 4 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. I tried fixing everything.Tintor2 (talk) 13:12, 4 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Almost everything is better. I still don't get it: "In a later mission Allen disobeys orders to destroy the Akuma of a person named Alma Karma as he sends him away alongside his fellow Exorcist Yu Kanda to another area". By how the sentence is organized all the bold words seems to refer to Allen, but I think it's not the case. Is the first "he" referring to the Order or Alma Karma? If it's the first case, it should be: "he was sent away by the Order..." If it's the second, it should be "Alma Karma, who sends Allen away alongside hi fellow..." Gabriel Yuji (talk) 19:48, 4 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I see. I gave it another shot and explained a bit more about the Ark to see if it's easier to understand. Thanks,Tintor2 (talk) 21:23, 4 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I think almost everything else is fine, except for two details:

is Anime/Animation Insider a reliable source? We don't have it at WP:A&M/ORS
is there more reviews for Hallow? Only two reviewers' opinions seems too few. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 18:24, 5 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I don't know too much about Animation Insider but here the staff introduce themselves and one even works for Toonami. The staff from the Fandom Post said they wouldn't review since the second half of the first anime wasnt released.Tintor2 (talk) 19:59, 5 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]