Wikipedia:Peer review/Drishyam/archive1

Drishyam

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because I plan to make this a good article later and would like some advice on this now.

Thanks a lot, JosephJames ^Talk / _Contribs 05:20, 22 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Calvin999

I asked to leave comments here by the requester. This isn't a topic I'm well versed in so I'm just commenting on prose and structure

A few dead links

Done

English translation → Remove 'translation'

Done by Charles Turing

Indian Malayalam → Is this standard practise or are both needed? Sounds a bit like saying a British Celtic film.

Well, I saw it in GA articles like Velaiilla Pattadhari and Magadheera.

written and directed by Jeethu Joseph and starring Mohanlal and Meena in the lead roles. It also features Ansiba Hassan, Esther Anil, Kalabhavan Shajon, Asha Sarath, Siddique, Roshan Basheer and Neeraj Madhav in other pivotal roles. → Keep who wrote and directed separate to who starred in it.

Done by Charles Turing

under the banner → Not sure what you mean by this.

Changed to 'for' by Charles Turing

GA articles Dookudu and Businessman (film) also follows "under the banner".--Charles Turing (talk) 08:27, 1 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Inspector-general → Not Inspector General or Inspector-General?

I think anyone of them might work.

(IG) → As this is bracketed, can it be Wikilinked?

Done by Charles Turing

harassing → What kind of harassment?

Changed to 'physically harassing'

first week of October 2013 → Do you have the actually date?

Couldn't find it.

The film was shot at Thodupuzha in Kerala. Sujith Vaassudev handled the film's cinematography and it was edited by Ayoob Khan. → Reads a bit like a list of hard facts, no flow.

Changed to 'The film's principal photography commenced in the first week of October 2013 at Thodupuzha in Kerala and was completed in 44 days. The cinematography was done by Sujith Vaassudev, and was edited by Ayoob Khan.' Would that be okay?

I think the lead could be just three paragraphs which are more condensed rather than four scraggly ones.

Done

The film was remade in four Indian languages. → Remade by by other filmmakers or just this film in 4 languages?

Changed to 'The film was remade in Telugu, Tamil, Kannada and Hindi.'

The Filming sub-section just seems so small and short to warrant it's own sub-section.

Couldn't find much info.

Shouldn't release go before themes? To me, it seems more logical to have production - release - themes rather than production - themes - release

Done

But as per WP:MOSFILM, Themes go before Production.--Charles Turing (talk) 08:15, 1 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]

The first two paragraphs of Themes are pretty much just long quotes. Some need paraphrasing.

Well, those are the director's comments. Any suggestions?

'sexist dialogues' → Such as ?

Changed to 'The film was criticized for the use of some sexist dialogues in the first half which were playing to a certain new generation audience.'

There were also allegations that Drishyam might provoke crime. → Can you re-word/expand on this? Provoke crime in what way and/or where?

Changed to 'There were also allegations that Drishyam might provoke murder.' Would that be okay?

The Release section doesn't need two such short sub-sections. All three parts could easily be just one para.

Those are three very different sections. How to merge into one?

in US, UK → It would be 'the U.S.', but actually list the countries actual name, not the abbrev.

Done by Charles Turing

In the Box office section, try to avoid one sentence paragraphs/sections. Just tack it onto the end of the previous paragraph.

Which 'one sentence paragraphs/sections'?

The awards column of Accolades needs to be marked up for WP:ACCESS. Basically means it needs to be shaded grey. Look on Man Down (song) at its tables to see what I mean.

Done, I hope.

Foreign language references need to have a language= parameter. So, language=Hindi for example.

Done

Hope this helps. — Calvin999 15:12, 29 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by RO

Lead

in other pivotal roles.

Drop this as unnecessary.

Changed to 'in supporting roles'

of the film

Same, or maybe "The film's Principal photography ..."

Done

There are at least 10 instances of "the film" in the lead. Drop as many as you can to avoid repetition.

Removed a few.

became the highest-grossing Malayalam film.

Of the year or ever?

Ever.

Done

The film was remade in four other Indian languages.

Such as?

Changed to 'The film was remade in Telugu, Tamil, Kannada and Hindi.'

a Plus Two student

What's a Plus Two student?

Removed.

Themes

The first paragraph of this section is mostly quoted material. Be sure you aren't quoting things that could or should be paraphrased.

I don't think I 'can' paraphrase it even if it 'should' be done. Any help?

When asked in an interview

Drop "in an interview", as unnecessary.

Done

The film uses some 'sexist dialogues' in the first half which were playing to a certain 'new generation' audience.

These single quote marks ought to be double.

Done

Development

the idea got a boost.

Needs rewording

Changed to 'He was inspired by a conversation he had overheard about the plight of two families involved in a legal battle.'

Casting

Mammootty was instrumental in roping in actress Meena for the film

Roping in is not encyclopedic. Reword.

Changed to 'casting'

The director says

Uses of says ought to be swapped out for "stated".

Done

Filming

The shooting had to be halted for a while as Meena fainted in the sets

This would benefit from some explanation.

Please explain, like what?

Release

Lots of repetition of "the film" here.

Removed a few.

The case was dismissed in March 2015

Why? This could be expanded upon.

Done

Reception

Sify.com's reviewer gave the verdict "Excellent" and stated

"Rated" or "described" would be better here than "gave"

Done

Was Gautaman Bhaskaran's the only negative review? If not, add some more for better balance of positive and negative.

All I could find.
Box office

According to Sify, the film "started on a low key". It also reported that the film "swept the box-office" from its second day of release.[46]

This seems contradictory. The prose needs some care here to connect these two more logically.

Changed to 'According to Sify, the film "started on a low key" but "swept the box-office" from its second day of release.'

Accolades

If your goal for this piece is FA, I suggest working the accolades chart in to prose.

I'll try, but first I'd like to get it a GA.
Conclusion

This is a decent start for a good article, but parts seem unfinished or incomplete. Work on topic sentences and transitions between thoughts. The bones are here for a good article, it just needs some more detail in places and tighter prose. Nice job overall; keep up the great work! RO ^(talk) 20:13, 29 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Rationalobserver and Calvin999: Hey! Thanks for your suggestions. I hope most of the mistakes has been corrected. Please let me know if there is anything left to be done. Thanks a lot!

Also, thanks to Charles Turing for all his work. JosephJames 06:13, 8 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]