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Wikipedia:Peer review/Film Booking Offices of America/archive1

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Film Booking Offices of America

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Article on a Hollywood studio of the late silent film era, predecessor of RKO Pictures. Some interesting history involving Joseph P. Kennedy, father of the future president. Any comments/observations/suggestions would be helpful.—DCGeist 07:39, 8 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

  • Thanks. In fact, the lead should be a summary of the entire article, and should generally be free of citations. As long as everything stated in the lead that needs a citation is cited in the text of the article (as it should be), there's no need to cite in the lead. As for the lead's length, you're right, it could probably stand to be a bit longer. If you (or anyone else) has a thought on what facts should be included up top, let me know. Best, Dan.—DCGeist 18:28, 9 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • Lead expanded per comment. Love to hear any other thoughts.—DCGeist 19:11, 9 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • Little things:
    • Wikilink "American" and "British" in the lead to their respective countries.
    • "established a 13.5-acre studio in L.A.'s fortuitously named Colegrove district" Uh, ok. Is the "fortuitous" bit necessary?
      • I think so—just to avoid anyone assuming there was a substantive connection between the name of the neighborhood and the name of the company (as I, for instance, originally thought was possible).—DCGeist 06:49, 10 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]
    • "The father of the future president" You know and I know who Joe Kennedy is, but you should edit it to say "the father of future President of the United States John F. Kennedy."
    • "in such two-reeler comedy series as 'The Pacemakers'" Might want to explain what a two-reeler is, or just change the link title to the default name "short subject".
    • "The bid was initially rejected, but in February 1926, FBO's owners decided to take the money; the studio was now Kennedy's" Remove "the studio was now Kennedy's"; it's already clear enough without it.
    • "Kennedy swiftly addressed the company's perennial cash-flow problems" The problems with funding should be mentioned earlier in the article because it's not clear that the company had cash-flow problems before Kennedy bought it.
    • "The majority of FBO/Robertson–Cole pictures were produced at low cost, during either the silent era or the transitional period of the conversion to sound cinema; the vast majority of the studio's silent productions are thought to be lost, with no copies now known to exist." This can be two sentences.
    • "Partly in consequence, many of FBO's star actors are barely remembered today: Pauline Frederick was the major headliner of the early R-C days; Evelyn Brent was FBO's most prized non-Western star" turn the colon into a period, and add an "and" to link the Frederick and Brent clauses.
    • "Ralph Ince, younger brother of the famous Thomas H. Ince" Why is Thomas H. Ince famous?
  • A very enjoyable article overall. I've got no major concerns. WesleyDodds 06:26, 10 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Per WP:PR instructions, articles aren't supposed to be at peer review and WP:FAC at the same time. Please archive the peer review, and replace the talk page template with oldpeerreview, so all the pieces will be in place for GimmeBot convesion to ArticleHistory. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 23:59, 13 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Done.—DCGeist 08:52, 14 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]
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