Wikipedia:Peer review/Hans Waldmann (fighter pilot)/archive1

Hans Waldmann (fighter pilot)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I need feedback on grammar and style. I believe that I mined all the available sources on Waldmann.

Thanks, MisterBee1966 (talk) 10:29, 3 November 2012 (UTC)

 Doing... May post comments in chunks. – Runfellow (talk) 04:06, 11 November 2012 (UTC)

Comments

Lead

• Since he is long dead and he "was" a pilot, "former" is superfluous here. You can delete it.
• Rather than include a definition of the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross, I'd include the reason why Waldmann received the award specifically (the B-17 incident).
• Comma after "various pilot and fighter pilot schools"
• I think you need an "and" before "over the Crimea", but even then the sentence might have some awkward syntax.
• "Flying the Me 262," - Since the previous sentence establishes that he switched, you can delete this introductory clause here.
• "two North American P-51 Mustang" - Do plural aircraft terms use an "s" at the end, like "Mustangs"?
  
  

Childhood, education and early career

• "Easter 1932 he transferred" - Maybe something like "On Easter Sunday in 1932", but I'm not sure the significance of Easter is apparent enough to avoid simply stating the date.
• I don't think "Wilhelm-Gymnasium" needs to be in quotes, unless I'm missing something.
• Elsewhere, you have the foreign term first, then the translation in parentheses; however, for Abitur you have these swapped.
• Need "at the" before "end of March"
• Comma after "Still at school"
• "He had traveled"
• Comma after "to Berlin"
• "In parallel to his schooling" - Not sure I'm following you there. Maybe "while still in school," or something to that effect?
• This lists his mentor as "Heinrich Koppe". Do you mean Heinrich Koppers?
• When you say "following his graduation", do you mean from the gymnasium or from the Institute?
• The addition of "and two years after his first application to become a Luftwaffe officer" makes the sentence's syntax awkward. I recommend removing it entirely.
• "returns" - "returned"
• "landing again after"
• "From here he conducts" - "From here, he conducted"
• "roundtrip" to "round trip"
• The interjection between dashes in the final sentence of this section should be its own sentence. It's important enough.
  
  

World War II

• The dictionary definition of Ukraine here states that the article "the" before the name of the country is no longer appropriate.
• "For the next days he is send" - "For the next few days, he is sent", although a more precise time period would be desirable.
• When exactly did Steinhoff ask Waldmann to become his wingman? The text implies this was before Waldmann flew his test flights and mission, but I don't think that's the case.
• "positively impressed" - redundant
• Comma after "to a transfer squadron"

War against the Soviet Union

• "After 84 victories on 1 September 1943" - This implies he had 84 victories in one day; I doubt that's what you meant. Perhaps "After reaching a total of 84 victories on..."
• "28 aircraft bomber formation" - "28-aircraft bomber formation"
• "eight aerial victories in March, 16 in April of which eight were claimed from 5–12 April" - I think this might have been part of a larger list at some point, but the syntax is awkward. Maybe "eight aerial victories in March and 16 in April, of which eight were claimed during a one week span."
• "are transferred" - "were transferred"
• Comma after "Barkhorn selected Waldmann's 4th Staffel"
• "which is officially assigned" - "which was officially assigned"

Invasion of Normandy

• "in full swing" - Maybe a little too colloquial for here.
• Ground support is wikilinked the second time it is mentioned rather than the first as it should be.
• "destruction numerous" - "destruction of numerous"
• "in the timeframe of" - "between"
• "had hit one of the B-24 between the two starboard engines which immediately had set the B-24 on fire" - Strike both "had"s here.
• "7 enemy planes" - "seven enemy planes"

Flying the Messerschmitt Me 262 and death

• Not trying to be funny, but phrases like "Waldemann converted to the Messerschmitt Me 262 'Stormbird'" make me think of Transformers, not pilots. He didn't actually convert into one physically or through religion, but he did swap aircraft.
• "tookoff" - "took off"
• "in a westerly direction heading" - "west" would suffice, I think.
• I'm not terribly familiar with the subject, but I'm not following "the lower cloud ceiling at Kaltenkirchen was less than 600 metres (2,000 ft) and most of the time between 80–100 metres (260–330 ft), the upper cloud ceiling was at 6,000 metres (20,000 ft)"? Specifically, "most of the time" puzzles me.
• The sentence beginning with "Major Erich Rudorffer," includes three interjectory phrases to describe the positions of the men involved. Is there any way to include this information without pausing the sentence each time? If not, is it necessary to include all three descriptions?
• "personally intervened" - Redundant
• Comma after "tookoff first"
• "as the most experienced"
• "Werknummer 117097—factory number" - Don't know if this information is necessary.
• "took-off" - Elsewhere, the verb form of "Takeoff" is not hyphenated.
• Semicolon instead of comma after "Only three Me 262's tookoff"
• "parachute but is body was found riddled" - "parachute, but his body was found riddled"
• "being credited" - "and was credited"
  
  

General

• As per MOS:FOREIGN, most foreign terms should probably be in italics, and you've done that here. There are certain exceptions for proper and common nouns, and I'm aware that WP:MILMOS#DATERANGE may have other requirements. I'm not entirely sure which system you've used and why some are italics and why others aren't, but you'll want to make sure the italicization here is consistent.
• Does the decimal time format meet the requirements of WP:MOSTIME? Is there a national attachment or a military/aviation standard I'm not aware of?
• There are a lot of introductory clauses, especially with regard to dates, that need commas after them. These include sentence beginnings like:
  • "In 1928"
  • "Eight days later"
  • "From 4 April to 28 April 1941"
  • "The next day"
  • "In late February 1944"
  • "By 31 May 1944"
  • "In the month of August 1944"
• Eastern Front and Western Front are proper nouns in this context and should be capitalized.
• The concept of an "aerial victory" here isn't really defined (at least until later in the article, and then only in nebulous terms) or wikilinked. Although I assumed it means an individual kill, we can't assume others will make that connection. I don't think there's an article for World War II standards like there is one for World War I, but you might want to clarify the term since it's so important in this context.
• You might want to consider merging the introductory text in the World War II section into the "War against the Soviet Union" subsection (since they regard battles around Stalingrad anyway), then upgrading each of those subheadings to full headings. As it is, the biography feels a little awkward divided into two top headings: growing up and World War II. Since he only fought in one war anyway, putting all the other headings underneath the war's label seems redundant.
• Along those same lines, it seems like a "Legacy" section might be in order here. That's up to you, but it seems like someone with so many kills and awards would have a larger impact after his death. Were there any awards or buildings named after him? Did his flying style influence others? Etc.

Overall, the structure is fine and the narrative string is easy to follow, even for someone like me not terribly familiar with the terminology. There may be some WP:MILMOS things you'll know more about than I would, but most of the things above are small and easily fixed. Good luck on improving the article and please let me know if I can be of any further help. – Runfellow (talk) 05:59, 11 November 2012 (UTC)

Thank you for all the valuable comments and suggestions. MisterBee1966 (talk) 15:02, 15 November 2012 (UTC)