| Toolbox |
|---|
 | This peer review discussion has been closed. |
Passed my first GA nom and my reviewer recommends a peer review! This is a biography of Canada's first female surgeon. Mostly looking for feedback on how the wording looks to a general audience, although familiar with biographies or medicine is appreciated. It's not too long of an article.
Thanks! originalmesshow u doin that busta rhyme? 18:58, 21 January 2019 (UTC)
- Article looks good, though reading through I believe there are a few issues with the prose that could do with improvement. As this is what you were asking to be reviewed, I have left them as is so you can decide whether you agree with my view or not.
- In the introductory paragraph, you say "...Jennie Smillie, was the first Canadian female surgeon. She also performed the country's first major gynecological surgery". I believe this could changed to "Jennie Smillie, was the first Canadian female surgeon and also performed the country's first major gynecological surgery"; they are both talking about her notable achievements, and so by linking them I feel the stiltedness introduced by the "She also" is removed.
- In the section on career, you include "woman surgeon". I believe "female surgeon" would flow better - the word here is being used as an adjective, which is suitable for female and male but not woman and man. Same with "women physicians" to "female physicians".
- There is also the sentence "The hospital was first located inside rented houses before a building could be built, and its early financial difficulties led the founders to gather vegetables from farmers' wives to feed their patients." I believe that "Prior to a building being built, the hospital was located inside rented houses, and its early financial difficulties led the founders to gather vegetables from farmers' wives to feed their patients."
- I would also recommend switching "At the Women's College Hospital, she was chairman of the Gynecology Department from 1912 to 1942. Smillie mainly performed abdominal and gynecological surgeries until her retirement in 1948." to "At the Women's College Hospital, she was chairman of the Gynecology Department from 1912 to 1942 and mainly performed abdominal and gynecological surgeries until her retirement in 1948." - we know that the subject is Smillie, and so it doesn't need to be restated, unless she did so outside the WCH? Indeed, this issue pervades the article; the subject is restated to many times and this interrupts flow.
- -- NoCOBOL (talk) 09:55, 23 January 2019 (UTC)
- NoCOBOL I've made the suggested changes and a few more – how does it read now? originalmesshow u doin that busta rhyme? 05:02, 25 January 2019 (UTC)
- Sorry for the delay; I meant to come back to this and then it slipped my mind. I would change this sentence "Born to farmers, she worked as a teacher to afford tuition for medical school, enrolling at the Ontario Medical College for Women, which was merged into the University of Toronto medical school during her time there." to "Born to farmers, she worked as a teacher to afford tuition for medical school before enrolling at the Ontario Medical College for Women which was merged into the University of Toronto medical school during her time there." - I feel it flows better, though that is mainly down to personal preference rather than a hard and fast rule.
- In the first paragraph, you refer to her as Jennie, but after that you always refer to her as Smillie. I would suggest sticking to one or the other.
- I would also suggest going a little further on switching how you refer to the subject away from her name and towards "she" or other less explicit references; for instance, in this paragraph, "After Smillie's second return to Toronto, no hospital would allow her to perform surgery. Instead, she performed her first surgery (an oophorectomy to remove an ovarian tumor)[3] using daylight on a patient's kitchen table,[4] which made her the first surgeon to perform major gynecological surgery in Canada. As a result, Smillie became the country's first female surgeon recorded in the field's modern era.[5]", there is no need to state Smillie again, and instead I would suggest sticking with the she you used in the second sentence after the first explicit reference to her.
- Apart from that, it is looking very good. -- NoCOBOL (talk) 09:32, 30 January 2019 (UTC)