Wikipedia:Peer review/Maus/archive1

Maus

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've rewritten it from scratch over the past few months aiming at FA status, and won't be satisfied until it gets there.

The biggest difficulty I feel I've had writing this article was sorting through the vast amount of what has been written about Maus, and trying to decide what really needs to be in the article and what should be cut.

Thanks, CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 07:33, 27 April 2012 (UTC)

• I love this book immensely; inherited a first edition of My Father Bleeds History from an uncle and didn't put it down til it was over. I'll see if anything stands out to me as needing fixed; though my prose style isn't generally of the FA standard you're shooting for.
  • "It has been difficult to classify" -> To me, this suggests medium before it would suggest genre, and I'm not sure why. I'd perhaps change this sentence to "Classifying Maus' genre has proven difficult, and it has at times been labeled as a memoir, biopgraphy. history, fiction, autobiography, or a mix of these".  Done
  • I don't think "past" needs to be put in quotation marks in the lead; it makes sense for "present" because 1978 is no longer the present (a bit like how Escape from New York isn't really set in the future any more), but the 1940s will always be the past and so the term can just be used straight.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I agree with this. Maybe a second opinion would help? CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 01:08, 30 April 2012 (UTC)

• • "...whose own written account of Auschwitz were destroyed by her grief-stricken husband" -> Either this should be "accounts ... were" or "account ... was".
  • "the comics medium" -> I'd lean towards "the medium of comics", or even just "the medium".  Done
  • "Vladek harasses and infuriates his neighbors and loved ones, including his second wife, Mala, whom he married after Art's mother, Anja, committed suicide in 1968" -> This is a little run-on. I'd try "Vladek harasses and infuriates his neighbors and loved ones, including his second wife, Mala. He had remarried after Art's mother, Anja, committed suicide in 1968".  Done
  • "Vladek proceeds to tell of his time in Częstochowa and how he came marry into Art's mother's wealthy family in 1937 and move to Sosnowiec to become a rich manufacturer" -> "Vladek proceeds to tell of his time in Częstochowa, describing how he married into Art's mother's wealthy family in 1937 and moved to Sosnowiec to become a rich manufacturer". Done
  • "Occasionally he can get messages back and forth with Anja, though it is dangerous" -> "Occasionally he and Anja are able to exchange messages, though it is dangerous".  Done
  • Both the "Art Spiegelman" and "Mala Spiegelman" headings don't really need to be broken into two short paragraphs like that, keep each of them at one paragraph as they still both flow well.  Done
  • "miserly, anal, anxious and obstinate" -> "anal" here is a bit colloquial, expand it to the full "anally retentive".  Done
  • "Black People" shouldn't be capitalised, and I'm not sure about piping it to African-Americans either.

Actually, in the context of the citation, it was clear that he was talking about how African-Americans had been treated in the U.S. I'll have to reword this to make it clear. CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 22:27, 29 April 2012 (UTC)

 Done

• • There's a few "citation needed" tags under the "Historical background" header; the Golden and Silver Age of Comic Books articles might have some information which would help you source this.  Done
  • "short, experimental, avant-garde comics" -> Drop either "experimental" or "avant-garde", they're a bit redundant together.  Done
  • "The public perception of comic books was one of adolescent power fantasies, inherently incapable of mature artistic or literary expression, and a genre rather than a medium" -> "The public perception of comic books was one of adolescent power fantasies, inherently incapable of mature artistic or literary expression; and the field was treated as a genre rather than a medium".  Done
  • "The first chapter of Maus appeared in the second issue of Raw in December 1980." -> Stick a comma after "Raw", or else it reads as though it was December's second issue, not that the second issue was the December one.  Done
  • " It has been translated into eighteen languages" -> Given that this comes directly after mention of the second volume, And Here My Troubles Began, it would be worth clarifying whether this refers to this volume or the work as a whole (I assume the latter).  Done
  • "for example, when his French wife converts to Judaism, how should she be depicted—as a frog, or a mouse?" -> Don't pose this as a question, phrase it in the past tense as "for example, when his French wife converted to Judaism, Spiegelman debated whether to depict her as a frog or a mouse".  Done
  • "Vladek's disguise more convincing than Anja's" -> stick an "is" or "was" in there.  Done
  • "Rather, it signified the role of the characters in the story, rather than their races: the gentile Françoise is a mouse because of her identification her husband" -> I wouldn't mix the use of colons and em dashes in the article, given that you use the latter much more often, use it here as well.  Done
  • "Spiegelman's own perceptions of the animal metaphor seems to have evolved over the book's making: in the original publication of the first volume, he had a mouse mask in his self-portrait, but by the time the second volume arrived in print, his self-portrait was of a man wearing a mouse mask" -> Firstly, colon again; second, this is a little confusing. I'm not going to dig out my copies to check but I assume you mean that in the first portrait, the mask is present but he's not wearing it, while in the second he has put it on. Could do with being a little clearer about that as it could be read as saying he's wearing one in both.  Done

Whoops, the first instance should have been "animal head", not "mask". CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 22:27, 29 April 2012 (UTC)

• • "and to whom he feels he can never live up to" -> You've used "to" twice here, I'd suggest maybe rephrasing this whole clause.  Done
  • "but also resonant with the German word mauscheln" -> change "resonant with" to "reminiscent of".  Done
  • "and while they have normally been pegged as being for children" -> use "identified" instead of the informal-sounding "pegged".  Done
  • "Spiegelman is confronted with the difficulty of how to present this character—as a cat, or a mouse?" -> As above, I wouldn't pose this as a question.  Done
• That's all I could see looking over it. Haven't performed any spotchecks on the sources used. Article looks good, though, very well-researched. GRAPPLE X 01:19, 29 April 2012 (UTC)

Thanks a lot for taking the time to review this. I took on this article because I couldn't believe how poorly done it had been, given the mountains of resources available on the book. Maus really deserves the a lot better. CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 01:11, 30 April 2012 (UTC)

Not a bother. I think the changes have definitely helped things. I'm likely to dig out my copy of it tomorrow now you've piqued my interest again. And drop me a talk message when you go to put this forward for a review at GA or FA; I'll be glad to chime in again. GRAPPLE X 01:15, 30 April 2012 (UTC)

Thanks again, and I will. CüRlyTüRkey^Talk_Contribs 01:23, 30 April 2012 (UTC)