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Wikipedia:Peer review/Mom and Dad/archive1

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Mom and Dad

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Any and all input, please. --badlydrawnjeff talk 05:15, 5 November 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Get rid of all redlinks. —Cliff smith 20:35, 5 November 2006 (UTC)[reply]
Redlinks are articles that need to be created. --badlydrawnjeff talk 21:26, 5 November 2006 (UTC)[reply]
Touche. —Cliff smith 04:52, 6 November 2006 (UTC)[reply]
  • First, good article. And I mean that in the formal sense of the word, when this review is over, I will happily mark it as such, if no one beats me to it. If Kroger Babb weren't an FA, this could take a shot at it. Ah, you wanted an actual review itself:
    • "Only after she receives advice from a teacher who was fired for teaching sex education is she able to confront her mother—who is set up to be the antagonist—blamed by the teacher for "neglect[ing] the sacred duty of telling their children the real truth." -- overly long sentence with multiple dependent clauses, needs simplification. Recommend breaking it up into several shorter, simpler sentences.
      • I think I fixed this. I'm going to give it a good overhaul anyway, methinks.
    • "In some showings, another film was shown with Mom and Dad.... The film typically ended with the birth of the girl's child." Not clear which is "The film" referred to here, M&D or the nameless companion.
      • Fixed.
    • If M&D had different versions, do you know which version went into the Registry? All of them?
      • Actually, none of my sources say. That's a great question with no answer as of yet. I've shot an e-mail off to the Library of Congress in any regard.
    • Wilmington, OH should either be gotten rid of (it's not that important to this particular article), or wikilinked and explained, briefly, that this was Kroger's HQ.
    • "IRS figures" link to IRS should be reduced to only go around IRS.
      • Fixed.
    • I thing a link to Social hygiene is probably a good idea somewhere, either in a new word or sentence in the header, or at least around the words "sex hygiene". That describes the movement that this film was ostensibly a part of.
      • Excellent idea. I've been trying to consider a worthwhile target for that for a while.
    • "Starring Hardie Albright" - in what role? Dad, the teacher, the pilot? In fact, I think giving both actor and character names for the important 5 roles (mom, dad, girl, teacher, pilot) would be a good idea. Or maybe Dad isn't an important role - in which case, you may want to write as much somewhere, something like "Despite the title, the character of 'Dad' (played by George Spelvin) doesn't appear much, or have a notable role in the plot.".
      • Adjusted this. Redlinks ahoy!
    • William Beaudine, while not this article, has a strange sentence: "He is also remembered for directing Mom and Dad, a 1945 exploitation film produced by Kroger Babb, which was not released until 1957." That seems to contradict this article, which says this was the highest grossing film of the 1940s. One or both should be corrected. Or is there some meaning of the word "released" that I'm not understanding here?
      • Fixed it over there. I think Beaudine might be my next project...
    • Tenses need agreement. "The film told the story" (past) ... "The film then presents" (present): pick either past or present, and stick with it.
      • I think I caught all of these
    • Passive voice: "It was estimated by David F. Friedman, who worked with Babb on a number of films, that...". Suggestion: "David Friedman, who ..., estimated that..."
      • Fixed.
    • The story of "Modern Film Distributors" is all over the place, and confusing. First we meet it as "the distributor", implying they were that throughout the course of the film. Then we meet it as "marketed the film in later years" implying they only started later (or did they distribute always and only market later)? Finally, we read that it was only formed to distribute this film to keep from booking over each other - which doesn't outright contradict the earlier points, but sounds important, like something that really should be mentioned earlier, otherwise the implication was that it was a distribution company for many films that just happened to distribute M&D as part of its stable.
      • So I've looked at this a few times, and I can't think of a more logical place to put it. I get your point, and clarified the first real mention, but it doesn't seem sensible to discuss the formation without the context of the film's successes. Any ideas at all?
    • MFD is also wikilinked twice in the text body (the separate link in the infobox is OK, I think, that's essentially separate).
      • Fixed.
    • Not sure why you chose to make redlinks where you did: Street Corner is a redlink, but High School Girl isn't. From the article, both seem equally important or unimportant.
      • High School Girl was wikilinked for "Dust to Dust," I believe. I've been having some internal conflict regarding how to deal with the names of these films.
    • 3 January, 1945 needs linking per WP:DATE#Dates containing a month and a day.
      • Done.
AnonEMouse (squeak) 14:29, 6 November 2006 (UTC)[reply]
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