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Wikipedia:Peer review/Mortimer Wheeler/archive1

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Mortimer Wheeler

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has recently gone through GAN successfully and I'm hoping that it will go on to FAC in the near future. The article is about a prominent British archaeologist of the 20th century, so if anyone thinks that this would interest them then please do give it a read and let us know what you think!

Thanks, Midnightblueowl (talk) 10:57, 23 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]


Comments from Dank

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Just a few copyediting comments. This looks really good. - Dank (push to talk)

  • "through he which he oversaw": probably: through which he oversaw
  • "Thus, the family relocated to Saltaire, a village northwest of Bradford": "Thus" is a cause-and-effect word, so it creates a garden path here, in the sense that many readers will devote some neurons to a vain search for whatever it is the new job implies (it isn't Saltaire, because not everyone who works in Bradford has to live in Saltaire). Omitting "Thus" works, I think.
  • "a cosmopolitan city in Yorkshire, northeast England which was then in the midst of the wool trade boom": A comma after "England" would help here. With or without, some readers will think the "which" modifies "northeast England", some will think "Yorkshire".
  • "being fascinated by the area's archaeology, later describing discovering": Some may find the repetition of "ing" distracting. "and fascinated" is one possibility.
  • "Although suffering from ill health, aided by a maid Emily Wheeler taught her two children": Although suffering from ill health, Emily Wheeler taught her two children with the help of a maid. And, what does "maid" mean here?
  • "instead being far closer to his father, whose company he favoured over that of other children.": I think "but favoured the company of his father over that of other children" would suffice; it implies the bit about "far closer".
    • I'm a little concerned with this one; I'm concerned that it doesn't make the fact that he preferred his father to his mother explicit enough. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:30, 1 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
      • I'm not sure I agree. When I read the sentence "Mortimer remained emotionally distant from his mother, but favoured the company of his father over that of other children", it seems clear that he's closer to his father than his mother. Would it help to say "even over that of other children"? - Dank (push to talk) 23:03, 1 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Wheeler's father was critical of formal education, thus instructing his 15-year-old son to educate himself through spending time around London; subsequently doing so, Wheeler spent much of his time visiting The National Gallery and the Victoria and Albert Museum.": could be tighter
  • I got down to University and early career: 1907–14. - Dank (push to talk) 20:11, 1 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Tim riley

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First lot of comments, to end of Career section

  • Early life
    • "née" – I think it is still usual to italicise this, though I doubt if anyone will make a fuss either way at FAC.
    • "Maid" – I don't think the blue link adds much
    • "began a Master of Arts degree in classical studies" – perhaps "began studying for a …"? One can begin a degree course, I don't think one begins a degree.
    • "He was their only child" – but you've told us earlier about his two sisters.
      • Ah, this mistake has arisen due to a recent edit that has moved the previous sentence to a different location in the text; the "He" in question is Wheeler's own son, rather than Wheeler himself. I have corrected the problem here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:32, 2 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
    • "As the Russian Empire removed itself from the war" – the last emperor abdicated in February 1917: it is still correct to write of the Russian Empire in November of that year? (It may be, but I ask the question.)
  • National Museum of Wales: 1919–26
  • London Museum: 1926–33
    • "Wheeler convinced them to increase that budget" – Americanism. You want either "Wheeler persuaded them to increase that budget" or "Wheeler convinced them that the budget should be increased". There are other such "convinced to"s later.
    • "the Corporation of St. Albans" – for what it's worth, my belief is that this article will never be created, and I'd be inclined to lose the over-optimistic red link. There are a few more links in your text that I think will stay red forever, and the removal of which would make the page look more pleasing.
      • That's a difficult one. Some prefer red links to no links and others disagree; for what it's worth I really have no strong opinion on the matter. Does anyone else have a comment on the issue ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:43, 2 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
    • "With Wheeler focusing his attention on potential Iron Age evidence, Tessa focused" – perhaps vary focusing/focused to focusing/concentrated or concentrating/focused?
  • Institute of Archaeology: 1934–39
  • Archaeological Survey of India: 1944–48

That's all for now. More soonest. I'm enjoying making the old buzzard's acquaintance again. Tim riley talk 09:58, 2 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Second and concluding batch from Tim
  • Between Britain and Pakistan
    • Chronology – not sure why the first two paras of this section are not in the reverse order: the events of the second largely precede those of the first.
      • Both of these paragraphs are thematically united; one focusing on Wheeler's activities in Britain, and the other on his activities in Pakistan, during the same period (he was traveling back and forth). Generally, I prefer the structure as it is (for the third paragraph deals with Pakistan too), but maybe we could see if other editors also have opinions on this issue ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:51, 7 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
    • Third para – I think the WP convention that a subject's name must be used at first mention in any para is rather silly, but it is undeniably expected, and the "he" in the first sentence of the third para should be "Wheeler". You could lose the "by Wheeler" (who else?) at the end.
    • " the Royal Commission on Historical Monuments" – you've linked to this earlier. (Incidentally, it is invariably, in my experience, referred to as "the Royal Commission on Historic Monuments", but I see, to my astonishment, that "Historical" is the authorised wording. I have put in a redirect page for the benefit of others who think it's "Historic".)
    • "among those who joined him were Alcock and his wife" – presumably Alcock's wife, not Wheeler's, but this is slightly ambiguous.
  • Popular fame
    • "That year, Wheeler's marriage also broke down, as Kim threw him out of her house. He proceeded to move into a former brothel at 27 Whitcomb Street in central London – not wild about "threw him out": it seems rather lurid – I'd trim this to something like "That year, Wheeler's marriage broke down, and he moved from his wife's house to a former brothel at 27 Whitcomb Street in central London." (En passant, for years I used to get my hair cut in the barbers at street level below that flat. There is a commemorative plaque to Wheeler on the exterior wall.)
  • Media fame and public archaeology
    • "represented Wheeler's last major foray" – perhaps just "was" rather than "represented"?
    • "public engagement surrounding archaeology" – not absolutely sure what this means. Does it mean public speaking on archaeological topics?
      • Pretty much, yes, but perhaps a little more than that. He spent increasing amounts of time interacting with the public on a range of levels, whether that be on television, through lectures, or through publications. I've changed this wording to "to encouraging greater public interest in archaeology". Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:06, 7 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
    • "Weidenfeld & Nicolson had also convinced Wheeler to work for them" – please see my earlier comment on "convince to"
    • "In 1954, the tourist company R.K. Swan" – I think I'd call them "the tour company" and link to Swan Hellenic
  • British Academy and UNESCO
  • Final years: 1970–76
  • Personal life
    • There's a lot of material in the last paragraph that repeats what you've told us earlier.
  • Reception and legacy
    • "Pigot claimed" – as above. And the Pigot quote beginning "the most remarkable archaeological achievement of his career…" runs to five lines on my biggest screen, and to many more on smaller ones. I realise it would mean rethinking the layout of your excellent quote boxes, but I think you ought to make this a block quote.
    • "Indian archaeologist Dilip K. Chakrabarti – false title
    • "On his death, H.D. Sankalia of Deccan College, Pune asserted that Wheeler was…" – on Wheeler's death, unless Sankalia spoke from the tomb. For clarity I'd write something like "On Wheeler's death, H.D. Sankalia of Deccan College, Pune, described him as…"

That's all from me. This is a clear, well researched and readable article. Please let me know when you take it to FAC. Feel free to ping me with any queries, meanwhile. – Tim riley talk 08:34, 3 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you Tim; that is much appreciated! There are still a few comments that I have yet to respond to as I look into the potential changes that can be made, but I hope to make said changes in the near future. Again, I hope that you enjoyed reading through the article, especially because of your connection to some of Wheeler's old stomping grounds in central London. All the best for now, Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:30, 7 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
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