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Wikipedia:Peer review/Nightswimming (Awake)/archive1

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Nightswimming (Awake)

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get this article up to FA status ASAP.

Thanks, TBrandley 18:12, 21 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

  Doing... TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 05:32, 22 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from TRLIJC19

  • Lead
    • "Written by Leonard Chang and co-executive producer Davey Holmes and directed by executive producer Jeffrey Reiner, "Nightswimming" was watched by 2.80 million viewers and earned a 0.9 rating in the 18–49 demographic upon its initial broadcast in the United States." -- Sounds weird to have two "and"s in such close sequence. Would read better as: "Written by Leonard Chang and co-executive producer Davey Holmes, while directed by executive producer Jeffrey Reiner, "Nightswimming" was watched by 2.80 million viewers and earned a 0.9 rating in the 18–49 demographic upon its initial broadcast in the United States.
      •   Done
    • "Meanwhile, in the "red reality", Michael and Hannah prepare for a new life in Oregon after deciding to move there." -- Link Oregon (states can be linked per MOS).
      •   Done
    • "The music featured in this episode is "Pain in My Heart" by Otis Redding, which was played during a scene in which Michael is seen shirtless, though he is also seen shirtless in another scene in the episode, which commended filming at an actual campus swimming pool." -- Run-on. Would read better: "The music featured in this episode was "Pain in My Heart" by Otis Redding, which was played during a scene in which Michael is seen shirtless. He is also seen shirtless in another scene of the episode, which commended filming at an actual campus swimming pool."
      •   Done
    • "Several of the episode's themes have been critically examined; it was filmed in Los Angeles, California, and featured eight guest performances." -- Awkward joining of two unrelated topics due to the improper use of the semicolon. Would be better as: "Several of the episode's themes have been critically examined, and it was filmed in Los Angeles, California, featuring eight guest performances.
      •   Done
  • Plot
    • Per WP:TVPLOT, "summaries for episode articles should be about 200 to 500 words". That said, this article's plot section is 778 words, and needs some serious condensing.
      • Okay. I'll remove some details that can go right now, etc.
        •   Done. How's it look now? I've tried to match the style to Triangle (The X-Files), a new FA.
          • Still 622 words. Can you match it to the plot summary of "Say Hello to My Little Friend"; that article is actually an Awake article, unlike "Triangle".
            • They are both FAs, so it doesn't really matter. I try to shorten a bit more.
              • If a FA episode article exists of the same show, it is a much better model than an unrelated show, so actually, it does matter.
    • I'll add more comments here after the condensing is complete.
      • K.
        • It's done now, as seen above. Think it should be ready for more comments here.
  • Production
    • "Alexander, Zurer, Melendez, Blackman, Holden and Todorov also marked their first and only appearances as Marcus, Alina, Hollander, Vasily, Shapiro and Alexander." -- This sentence is ungrammatically correct. It should read: "Alexander, Zurer, Melendez, Blackman, Holden and Todorov made their first and only appearances as Marcus, Alina, Hollander, Vasily, Shapiro and Alexander, respectively."
      •   Done
  • This is a pretty good article, but the prose is not yet of featured quality. Some examples follow, but this needs a copyedit.
    • "When the last scene was filmed that day, when he ran up the stairs, his material fell off." -- Double usage of "when", in close succession.
      •   Done
    • "He claimed that it fell of due to it being held only by a piece of Scotch Tape." -- It's "fell off" not "of".
      •   Done
    • "Isaacs thought that the "[team of Awake] were going to have to withdrawal the footage", but was happy to see that part of that scene "ended up in the episode". -- Ungrammatical (ie. the "team of Awake was ..." not "were".) Also, "withdraw" not "withdrawal".
      •   Done
    • "Writing for HitFix, Alan Sepinwall opined that Michael is "coming to grips with Hannah's desire to move to Oregon because he loves her that much",[7] thought the Brittens later decided not to move to Oregon in "Slack Water", the series' tenth episode, due to personal concerns." -- Run-on and typos (It should say "though the Brittens..." not "thought the Brittens...").
      •   Done
    • "He claimed that the installment opens to "introduce us to what makes Hannah and Michael so special", and that "for [sic] most of the series, there hasn't been much chemistry between the two" throughout the program's episodes." -- "Throughout the program's episodes" is redundant of the quoted material directly before.
      •   Done
    • "Sepinwall was disappointed with the overall storyline of the "green reality"; he claimed that if the episode was only based on the "red reality", the entry would have been "perfectly fine".[7] Handlen thought that if the "red reality" storyline was not featured in this installment, it would not work as an episode." -- No lead-in to Handlen's contrast. (ie. "Contrasting with Sepinwall's opinion, Handlen..." would be better.)
      •   Done
    • There's also a few weasel words, an inconsistency with the usage of the serial comma (ie. A, B, and C -- or A, B and C), and an excessive improper use of [sic].

TRLIJC19 (talk • contribs) 16:33, 24 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

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