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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I find it's really progressed beyond its initial classification of B-class. I welcome whatever feedback.
Thanks, Haider2003 (talk) 19:58, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This is most interesting and makes an enjoyable and illuminating read. I did some minor proofreading as I went, but another sweep by a different set of eyes would be a good idea. I have quite a few suggestions for further improvement.
- Whole paragraphs such as the last two in "Early military career" and the first one in "Judge of Mujibur Rahman's trial" are unsourced. My rule of thumb is to provide at least one source for each paragraph as well as any statistics, direct quotations, or claims that are apt to be questioned.
- Overlinking. - I'd suggest unlinking words like "General", "province", "policy", "civil unrest", "civil disorder", and "airfields" that most readers of English are familiar with. If too many things are linked, the links lose their effectiveness.
- Over-capitalization. - I don't think "mujahideen" should be capitalized except when it starts a sentence. Also, phrases like "military academy", "corps commander", "president of India", and "chief instructor" don't take capital letters unless they are part of a formal name such as Pakistan Military Academy. If too many things have capital letters, the capitals lose their effectiveness.
Term as martial law Governor of Balochistan
- "Prominent tribal sardars" - What is a "sardar"? Could this be linked or briefly explained in the text?
- "Forty million dollars were committed to the programme... " - Were those U.S. dollars or dollars in another currency? The currency should be specified.
Containment of Soviet-Afghan war refugees
- "heroin freely entered with the mujahideen, to pay for arms, as well as sophisticated weaponry itself" - How are "arms" different from "sophisticated weaponry"? Maybe this would be better as "heroin freely entered with the mujahideen to pay for weapons".
Mistaken identity in Al-Zulfikar hijack
- "The decision to kill Rahim was taken after consultations between Murtaza and KHAD chief Mohammad Najibullah[32] in view of this assumed relationship." - Perhaps KHAD should be briefly described as "KHAD, the secret police of Afghanistan," or whatever phrase is most appropriate. Also, "in view of this assumed relationship" is probably not necessary to say and could be deleted.
Resignation
- "He now resides in Rawalpindi with his wife Saqiba... " - "Now" is ambiguous because it refers to no particular time. Better would be something like "As of 2010, he resides in Ralwalpindi... ".
Legacy
- "As Cadet Number 1 of the Pakistan Military Academy who would later become Chairman Joint Chiefs, Rahimuddin's military uniform is displayed at the Academy's museum in Kakul for its historical significance." - Misplaced modifier. Since the uniform did not become Chairman, I'd suggest something along these lines: "Because Rahimuddin had been Cadet Number 1 of the Pakistan Military Academy before becoming Chairman Joint Chiefs, his military uniform is displayed at the Academy's museum in Kakul for its historical significance."
References
- Many of the citations are incomplete. For example, Internet sources should include author, title, publisher, date of publication, url, and date of most recent access if all of those are known or can be found.
- Date ranges take en dashes rather than hyphens; e.g., 1970–71 rather than 1970-71.
- The abbreviation for a single page is p. but for multiple pages it is pp.
Other
- The dabfinder tool at the top of this review page finds several links that go to disambiguation pages instead of their intended targets.
- The images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. WP:ALT has details.
- The fair-use image in the infobox has been tagged on its licensing page for reduction in size to meet the fair-use criteria. If you eventually take this article to GAN, for example, the image size may be questioned.
- It would probably be helpful to foreign readers to include a map of Pakistan that shows where Balochistan is in relation to Afghanistan and in relation to other provinces and major cities of Pakistan.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:01, 14 January 2010 (UTC)