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Wikipedia:Peer review/Reşadiye-class battleship/archive1

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Reshadieh class battleship

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because, after a major reorganization and expansion that I've done in the past day, I want to know what's left between her and GA. FAC is out of the question, at least until I learn turkish ;).

Thanks, Buggie111 (talk) 18:54, 4 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Jappalang

Lede

  • "Only one of the class (Reshadieh) was completed, having been seized by the Royal Navy at the outbreak of the First World War while under construction in Britain. This is regarded as one of the reasons Turkey entered World War I on the side of the Central Powers. The second ship, the Reshad-I-Hammiss, was cancelled and scrapped on the slipway in 1912, replaced by the Sultan Osman I. A third ship, the Fatih, ordered in 1914, was expected to be completed in 1917, slightly larger than the Reshad-I-Hammiss and Reshadieh. She was scrapped on the slipway in 1914. After her seizure, the Reshadieh was completed and renamed HMS Erin."
    "All three were under construction during the outbreak of the First World War. The Royal Navy seized one of them, the Reshadieh. The seizure is regarded as one of the reasons Turkey entered World War I on the side of the Central Powers. The other two ships in the class were never completed and were scrapped during the war. The Royal Navy completed the Reshadieh and renamed her HMS Erin."
    • Reshadieh was done when the Rn seized her. I'll try to rework this.

Design

  • Why is a Turkish battleship designed by a British man?
    • umm, I don't know how that would be weird. They ordered them from Britain, so Britain would be designing them.

and .... stop and consider anew

Okay, those would have been my initial points before I paused and wondered what the heck was going on with these ships. I think a restructuring of the article is needed (and a few points made clear). From reading the lede, I would have thought that the ships were being constructed in Turkey, and Great Britain somehow seized a ship and brought it to an allied port to complete it, thus antagonising Turkey. If I skip the lede and jump straight into Design, I would have thought the Reshadieh is a British ship.

Restructuring the article

  • Background:
    • relationships between Turkey and Great Britain (can be skimped for GA, but necessary point is to state that Turkey contracted Great Britain to build ships for them)
    • Who ordered the ships, what are the costs and terms of payment?
    • Where would they be built and by who?
  • Design
  • Description
  • History (fates of the three ship)

I think such a structure would be more helpful to the reader.

Images

  • File:HMS Erin.jpg: If this was indeed taken from the Imperial War Musem photo archive, then the Reference Number and/or Collection Number should be supplied so that others can verify the information per WP:IUP. If it was taken from a book, the title of the book and page number should be supplied. Currently, the information for the image fails WP:IUP.
  • File:HMS Erin (1913).jpg: From the "Collection of Lieutenant Commander P.W. Yeatman, USN (Retired)" might not mean that Yeatman is the author (or that the author is a US navy personel). A check is recommended.

-- Jappalang (talk) 06:33, 9 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

  • I've sprinkled tags where things need to be clarified or rewritten.
Attempted to fix, could you please look them over? Buggie111 (talk) 22:27, 18 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • I think that you have an extra four here: The class was propelled by four four shaft
Fixed.
  • You're using singular person (it) when describing the design, which is really a collective noun for the three ships laid down using the design. It reads very awkwardly to me and I'd prefer to see "they" used instead.
  • What aforementioned 6-inch guns? This is the first mention of the secondary armament.
Fixed.
  • Were the torpedo tubes above water or underwater?
  • Describe the turret armour. And what about the barbettes and deck armour?
  • Use DMY format since you're writing or should be in British English.
  • Standardize your citation format.
  • Link ship breaking or scrapped.
  • Too many she, she, she in History. Change it around to reduce the repetition. I use she, the ship and the name to mix things up.
Started working on it.
  • Explain that Sultan Osman I was bought by the Turks from the Brazilians whilst under construction. Link only on first appearance.
Links removed.
Done. Buggie111 (talk) 22:27, 18 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Sources comments
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