Wikipedia:Peer review/Rihanna's Secret Body Spray Tour/archive1

Rihanna's Secret Body Spray Tour

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… I've listed this article for peer review because… I want to promote Music of the Sun to Good Topic, but I doubt this article will be able to become GA. So according to the criteria, I am listing this for a Peer Review to solve any issues because nominating for Good Topic.

Thanks, Calvin • ^{Watch n' Learn} 00:28, 18 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Sarastro1

This is very short, but there are several issues which need clearing up.
"The 9-day tour": Should this be "nine-day", per MOSNUM?
"6-song": Ditto, should this be "six-song"?
"Rihanna would play..." Better to use past tense: "Rihanna played ... and signed ..."
"posters and CD's": No apostrophe in CDs.
"Secret Body Spray Deodorant began selling their new collection of Body Spray": Is this the name of the company? Could some info be added on who they are and how they came to be involved with Rihanna? How did the tour help sales?
"signed Barbadian Rihanna": Is her nationality necessary here?
"9 tour": should be nine.
"to the 9 tour dates going around promoting Body Spray and Music of the Sun, Rihanna's debut album": No need for "going around".
"The campaign began in Cincinnati on 26, October": No need for comma.
"on 7, December 2005": Again, no comma.
"then Rihanna would come on stage and perform": "came on stage and performed".
"After that she would answer fan questions then she would autograph posters, CDs or other scraps of paper for fans before leaving.": Again, should be past tense.
Is there really nothing else to say? Promotion, reception, attendances, reports? It just seems sparse.
There is a clean-up tag for bare urls which should be sorted, and should really be done before PR.

I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have any questions or comments, please use my talk page. --Sarastro1 (talk) 18:54, 23 January 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks :) Aaron • ^{You Da One} 13:23, 1 February 2012 (UTC)[reply]