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Wikipedia:Peer review/Tenacious D/archive5

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Tenacious D

Previous peer review
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I am keen to nominate this for FA status but recognize that this still has flaws. I am confident about the content, but feel that some of the sentencing and ordering could be improved. Any comments would be appreciate, and I will act on suggestions. Thanks, Tenacious D Fan (talk) 14:21, 28 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]


From Matthewedwards (talk · contribs)

Hi there. I don't know much about the band other than who's in it, so I'll just provide MOS and typo type comments.

Resolved comments from Matthew
  • "was the bands" needs an apostrophy
Done.
  • "most successful in the charts." Which charts? US singles charts? UK's, worldwide? etc etc
Clarified
  • "Black and Gass, at the time respectively aged 16 and 24, met in Edinburgh, Scotland during the Edinburgh Fringe of 1989.[6]" I prefer "Black and Gass met in Edinburgh, Scotland during the Edinburgh Fringe of 1989.[6] They were aged 16 and 24 respectively."
Done
  • Should it be "Tim Robbin's and Adam Simon's" instead of "Tim Robbins and Adam Simon's"?
I see your point. I have said "Tim Robbins'"
  • "Initially the two did not get on as Gass felt threatened by Black - as he was the main musician for the Actor's gang - but they eventually worked out their differences, and agreed to form a band." Per WP:DASH, use either spaced ndashes or unspaced mdashes, not hyphens for breaks in commentary. "Get on" isn't encyclopedic in tone, and "As" is overused, so think about: "Initially there was animosity between the two as Gass felt threatened by Black—who was the main musician for the Actor's Gang—though they eventually worked out their differences, and agreed to form a band."
Much better.
  • Make sure "gang" is capitalized, as it's a proper noun.
Done
  • "in exchange for Black's helping him with his acting." → "in exchange for Black helping Gass with his acting."
Done
  • "After the series aired, the band continued to perform." Perform as a live band, or perform on TV in some way?
Good point. I've clarified this.
  • Don't overwikilink. Foo Fighters is linked twice.
  • "in films like" → "in films such as"
Done
  • "Kerrang!" is a publication, so needs itallicising, per WP:TITLE
Done
  • I prefer "A third video, an animation depicting Black and Gass as cherubs, was made for "Fuck Her Gently", directed by John Kricfalusi the creator of Ren and Stimpy"
Done
  • I think "Borat" should be given the full title, as ugly and gigantic as it is
Sentence has been changed and the Borat reference removed.
  • "U.S., Canada, UK, Australia and New Zealand" As you're using "UK", "U.S." should lose the periods to become "US".
Done
  • "Each member went under a pseudonym;" → "Each member used a pseudonym;"
Done
  • "Wackerman as Colonel Sanders.[52]Jason Reed also toured as Satan." Space needed between the reference and "Jason"
Done
  • "In November 2006, Gass hinted a desire for Tenacious D to end at their current highpoint and Black expressed wishes to take a year-long break from acting.[54]" → "In November 2006, Black expressed wishes to take a year-long break from acting, though Gass hinted a desire for Tenacious D to end at their current highpoint.[54]" This flows into the next sentence better.
Done
  • "2010[55]," Reference should be placed after punctuation. WP:CS
I think this is done.
  • "At present, no other details about the new album have been disclosed by Black or Gass." This will date quickly. Anchor it and use "As of July 2008" instead.
Your right. Situation has changed and the sentence has gone.
  • "pass the torch"[62] Songs like "Friendship"" Period needed before the reference
  • ""As long as there's a record deal, we'll always be friends"[12] Others" Another period needed here
Done
  • "Black Sabbath[72][71]," Place references after punctuation
Done
  • "Bobby McFerrin[73][47]" Period is needed
Done
  • "We'll fucking kick your ass, dude..." elipsis needed
Done. Good one.
  • "The Cable Guy (1996),[11]," extra comma after the reference
Fixed
  • "Saving Silverman (2001)[79]" no comma before the reference
Comma not required as the list is approaches "and".
  • Don't overlink on High Fidelity and King Kong
Done
Done
  • "It opened in 11th place for both the standard three day weekend as well as the five day Thanksgiving weekend," Should explain what both a three day weekend is, and especially a five day weekend, as the majority non-Americans won't know that this starts on Thursday and ends on Monday.
Completely redone this sentence.
  • "Tenacious D supported John Kerry during the United States presidential election, by playing a benefit concert for him." Comma is unnecessary
Done, and rearranged sentence.
  • The section "Notes and references" could be renamed simply "References", as none of them appear to be footnotes
Done
  • " - the name used by sports commentator Marv Albert to describe the NBA's New York Knicks tenacious defense -" Again, spaced ndash or unspaced mdash. Check the rest of the article for similar offenses
  • Look at the sentence without the dahsed part: "Later they chose the name "Tenacious D" as chosen by the audience at the band's first live show,". The repeated chose/chosen reads clumsily. Also, who did chose the name? No comma needed at the end there, either.
Redone
  • "David Cross, with the writer Bob Odenkirk from Mr Show," → "...with Mr Show writer Bob Odenkirk". You can also say "Cross" without repeating his first name if you wish.
Done
  • "The series, entitled Tenacious D, premiered in 1997, immediately following an episode of Mr. Show." Might be worth mentioning which network, and wikilink it.
Done
  • "The series was canceled after, according to Gass, HBO offered Tenacious D ten episodes, but in doing so, they would have to relinquish their role as executive producers." → "According to Gass, the series was cancelled after HBO requested ten episodes, but in doing so, they would have to relinquish their role as executive producers." HBO don't "offer" episodes, as they're the network. They more likely put in an order for ten, or requested ten. Make it clear who had to relinquish their exec-prod roles; Cross and Odenkirk, or Black and Gass.
Made it clearer; added your sentence
  • "The majority of the songs on the album, which was produced by the Dust Brothers,[1] were performed previously on their short-lived HBO television series." Switches from plural to singular, to plural context awkwardly. Don't wikilink HBO again, as it should be done in the previous section relating to the TV show
Reorganized sentence
  • "the album had achieved platinum status in the US." "United States" on first use
Done
  • "Splendid magazine", or Splendid Magazine, or Splendid magazine?
I have removed all reference to Splendid and gone for some well know publications
  • "well -- for the first few listens...." Again, don't use hyphens, and especially double-hyphens in place of n- or m-dashes. Use an ellipsis (…), too.
Removed
  • " - a fictional portrayal of the beginnings of the band -" WP:DASH
Done
  • "It was released on November 22, 2006" It should state whether this is the movie or soundtrack, as both are discussed in the previous paragraph
I changed the context to this. I think it is much clearer.
  • "and reached number eight on the Billboard 200 in the U.S.,[44]and number ten in the UK." Too many "ands". A space is needed after reference 44. "U.S." should be "US", as "UK" is used in the article. And "UK" here should be "United Kingdom" for its first use.
All done
  • "The film was released on DVD on February 27, 2007." Which region? Why is the date not wikilinked? There's been a recent rule change in the MOS regarding this. Either wikilink all dates, or no dates in the article. I still prefer to see them wikilinked, but it often creates a sea of blue, so it's not always a good idea.
Done
  • "In an interview on the Daily Show 30 November 2006, Black admitted the film had "bombed"" At worst, this should be "In an interview on The Daily Show on November 30, 2006", (itallics for TV show, "The" is part of the show's name, and the date was in international format). At best, do the same, but {{cite episode}} should also be used at the end of the sentence.
Done
  • "a performance of "The Metal", [84]" Remove the space between the comma and reference
Done
  • I've just seen "users—making" and "first-time drug offenders—single mothers" so make sure that the hyphen offenses mentioned above are changed to mdashes, rather than spaced ndashes
Done

That's all I have, I think. Hope some of it helped. Poke my talk page if you want a follow up. Matthewedwards (talk • contribs • email) 05:51, 2 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

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