Wikipedia:Peer review/The Longing/archive1

I've listed this article for peer review because I believe it is a potential FAC. I’ve been expanding the article for the past month, and I believe it is generally comprehensive. Nearly all the sources have been provided by the WP:VG/RS, but I’ve included a few outside sources too. I appreciate any suggestions, though I would especially like some help on the prose.

Thanks, The Night Watch ω (talk) 06:03, 25 November 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from TheJoebro64

edit

Claiming my spot. Should have a review up within a few days. JOEBRO64 18:53, 28 November 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@TheJoebro64 Just a little nudge from me, hope you don't mind. The Night Watch ω (talk) 16:12, 6 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Don't mind the nudge at all. Finals are coming up so my wiki-time's been limited (and the time I have spent on here was doing other things). Expect some comments this week. JOEBRO64 03:27, 7 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Take as much time as you need. Finals are always more important. Good luck! The Night Watch ω (talk) 18:54, 7 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]
@TheJoebro64 Are you available now? The Night Watch (talk) 02:38, 24 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]
God I am so sorry—if it's not up by Tuesday please ping me again. JOEBRO64 20:23, 24 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]

My belated review. Sorry it took so long! Overall, I don't have much to say, but here's what stood out to me:

  • For his diploma at Animationsinstitut in Film Academy Baden-Württemberg, Pyta wanted to develop a game and a film, but only the film was eventually finished. Animationsinstitut later transferred their rights to the unfinished game back to Pyta, who used it to apply for funding towards The Longing. I don't see the relevance of the film bit—I think it confuses things, since its connection to The Longing feels a bit weak other than "Pyta made it" and it's never brought up again. Not to mention, is this unfinished game what became The Longing? It's not clear.
  • You've got a lot of scare quotes that aren't necessary or could be easily paraphrased
  • I'd avoid the passive voice as much as possible, and I think there's some wordiness that could be trimmed. E.g. The Shade was designed so that the player could compare their own feelings of loneliness to the character's.Pyta designed the Shade so that players could relate to its feelings of loneliness.
  • I'd Ctrl+F and look for every mention of "the game's" or "of the game"—you'll find in 99% of cases, it's not necessary. For example: "Pyta considered empathy to be a key strength of the game"
  • Since there are only two MC scores and they're both the same, I'd just do one 79/100 rather than two in the reception box
  • I'd recommend checking out some copyediting essays, as they'll help tighten your writing when you bring this to FAC. WP:REDEX, User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises, WP:ELEVAR

That's all from me. I'll do some copyediting when I get the chance. JOEBRO64 20:02, 26 December 2022 (UTC)[reply]