Wikipedia:Peer review/Tokyo Tower/archive1

Tokyo Tower

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've recently overhauled it completely. I'm looking for simple grammar/language reviews as well as layout and organizational reviews. Basically, anything you want to comment on is welcomed!

Thanks, Torsodog (talk) 09:13, 30 March 2008 (UTC)

Comments from La Pianista (talk · contribs)

Hi, I am was MusicalConnoisseur (recently changed). "Connoisseur" sounded so snobby, anyway.

But here are my comments:

• The intro could be expanded a bit; right now, it is too short.
• "332.6 m (1,091 ft) tall" could be changed to "332.6-meter-tall (1,091 ft)." But I have encountered such a problem before in another article even though it wasn't intentional...is it some convert template?
• It would be better if "32.6 if the tower's TV antenna is included" were enclosed in parentheses rather than closed off by en dashes. The same should be done for "3,300 tons less than the Eiffel Tower."
• "...for various different broadcasting purposes" is redundant "various, different." Use one or the other if you can.
• "...and radio and digital radio" is repetitive (I recommend "radio, and digital radio").
• "Under the base of the tower is a building known as Foot Town. This building houses several museums, galleries, restaurants and shops." could be shortened to "Foot Town, a building that houses several museums, galleries, restaurants, and shops, lies under the base of the tower."
• Some sentences can be a little choppy; see if you can join them with semicolons, commas plus a conjunction, or some other grammatical method. (e.g., "The 332.6 m (1,091 ft) tall structure is the tallest artificial structure in Japan as well as the 11th tallest tower in the world. It attracts over 2.5 million tourists annually." could be "The 332.6-meter-tall (1,091 ft) structure is the tallest artificial structure in Japan as well as the 11th tallest tower in the world; as a tourist site, it attracts over 2.5 million travelers annually.")
• "Japan was looking for a monument...Looking to the Western world..." Here, "looking" is used too often. Consult a thesaurus for a synonym.
• "One of the tower's key early proponents was politician and Sankei Shimbun co-founder Hisakichi Maeda." should be the lead sentence of the second paragraph under "History."
• There should be a comma after "result" in "As a result Tokyo Tower was mortgaged..."
• "bathe the tower in a warm orange color...bathe the tower in a cool white" sounds a bit POV for me. Normally, I oppose picking away at POV statements, but knowing how other people act about public opinion...you know. Also, "bathe" is used too often, but if you wish to eliminate POV, you would probably choose a different word, anyway. ;-)
• The table mentions "Christmas" twice. Maybe the latter could be clarified as "Christmas (as of 2005)".
• "In addition to functioning as a radio and television broadcasting antenna support structure, Tokyo Tower is also a tourist destination that houses several different attractions." is all the lead that exists under "Facilities." A little more elaboration will help.
• "The first floor houses an aquarium, home to 50,000 fish, a reception hall, the 400 person capacity Tower Restaurant, a FamilyMart convenience store and the Tokio 333 souvenir shop." The commas in this sentence are confusing (There's an aquarium and then a separate house for the fish?). Instead, use this phrase: "The first floor houses an aquarium (home to 50,000 fish), a reception hall, the 400-person-capacity "Tower Restaurant," a FamilyMart convenience store, and the Tokio 333 souvenir shop."
• No biggie, but you could change "the three elevators that are a direct ride to the Main Observatory" to "the three elevators that serve as a direct ride to the Main Observatory."
• "Concerning the food aspect" probably isn't needed.
• "to a more traditional tourist attractions..." Conflicting article use here: use "to more traditional tourist attractions."
• "This museum opened in 1970 displays" should be "This museum, opened in 1970, displays..."
• Near the beginning of the article, the cites are copious, but as you go along, they die out until they're eventually extinct. Cite, please. :-)
• I've always had a special loathing of the phrase "as well as." The word "and" will work just as well, without the wordiness.
• "That" should be used instead of "which" in "small amusement park which contains..." ("that" doesn't require a comma and is used for elaborating purposes).
• This is just personal taste; the phrase "observatory decks" should be "observation decks."
• Hyphen, please, between "two floor" because it is used as an adjective.
• "spectacular view of Tokyo, it also" should be "spectacular view of Tokyo, but it also..." because it would otherwise be a comma splice.
• "highest shrine in all of Tokyo" sounds too romantic. "Highest shrine in Tokyo" cuts to the chase.
• "the Special Observatory, is a small..." Generally, there shouldn't be a comma between the subject and its verb.

Thanks for keeping up a real informative article; it was a pleasure to read! :)