Wikipedia:Peer review/W. E. B. Du Bois/archive1

W. E. B. Du Bois

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I've listed this article for peer review because I'm planning on submitting the article for Featured Article recognition. I'd appreciate it if the reviewer were someone familiar with the FAC process, and who will scrutinize the article with FA criteria in mind. I believe all the "mechanical" FA criteria are met (images, links, etc), so the review should focus on prose, wording, and flow. Thanks! --Noleander (talk) 04:50, 3 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Casliber

I'll take a look a bit later today - just in the middle of a few things. One thing, have you been pointed to User:Tony1/How to improve your writing? I strongly recommend having a look as it is one of the best things I have learnt from since editing here. Casliber (talk · contribs) 19:22, 13 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Yes, I've read "How to improve your writing", and endeavored to apply it to W. E. B. Du Bois ... but I've gotten to that point where I'm starting to lose objectivity and need a second pair of eyes :-) I'll read it again to make sure I absorbed it fully. --Noleander (talk) 19:41, 13 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

... also, I should mention that I've been following the FAC discussions for the past few weeks and gleaning the typical shortcomings of candidates, and checking to make sure that W. E. B. Du Bois does not suffer from the same issues. --Noleander (talk) 19:44, 13 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Du Bois was a prolific author, producing essays, editorials, novels, autobiographies, academic studies, and books on history and sociology. - given you mention some of these in the following few sentennces, I'd maybe just say, "wrote prolifically" here or avoid duplicating somehow. Casliber (talk · contribs) 19:40, 14 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Done.

Over 700,000 blacks enlisted on the first day of the draft, but were subject to racist conditions which prompted vocal protests from Du Bois - I'd use "discriminatory" rather than "racist" here I think as the latter has an assumption that would need clarifying I think.

Done.

...and assailed Garvey as fraudulent and reckless - you want to avoid mentioning a name twice in a sentence if you can - "him" here is ok as it is pretty clear who we are referring to. "Assailed" strikes me as an odd word as I'd use it for physical attack rather than verbal...maybe just "described" hmmm...need to think on this one.

I've tried twice to improve the wording ... still not there yet. I'll see if I can come up with something better, unless you beat me to it.

Here is the text as it stands now: "Du Bois initially supported the concept of Garvey's Black Star Line, a shipping company that was intended to facilitate commerce within the African diaspora. But Du Bois later became concerned that Garvey was threatening the NAACP's efforts, leading Du Bois to describe him as fraudulent and reckless." Still room for improvement. --Noleander (talk) 15:17, 15 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Overall, prose is looking pretty good so far. More to come. Casliber (talk · contribs) 22:06, 14 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you so much! --Noleander (talk) 23:22, 14 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Magicpiano

The article looks pretty good from a prose perspective to me (but then, writing is what I've struggled with the most at FAC). I'd like to poke primarily at some content-related things.

what was Du Bois' personality? Did he have many friends? Outside political and academic circles? Black and white? (The article is long on his political and academic work, which is probably good, but a little more, err, color, on the man himself would be good.)

Done. Added some detail into "Personal Life" section. Have not yet done singing or tennis.

according to Wolters, Du Bois deliberately avoided establishing connections with the white student population (citing Southern experience)
same source, Harvard admitted him as junior after his Fisk BA, a view he saw as justified

The two items above seem to be rather minor anecdotes/facts. Perhaps the way to incorporate that material would be if those incidents were part of a larger pattern: then the pattern might be significant enough for inclusion. But, so far, I don't see a significant pattern. --Noleander (talk) 15:12, 15 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

same source, Du Bois proud of his singing ability (no it's not political, but it's part of his character)

Done.

"the first scientific sociological study in the U.S." if this claim is true, his role as a groundbreaking sociologist should be given mention in the lead (at least mentioning that he broke ground in that and other things)

Done.

"Archibald H. Grimke, Paul Laurence Dunbar, Kelly Miller, James Weldon Johnson, and Paul Dunbar" - Dunbar repeated

Done.

is it "Atlanta compromise" or "Atlanta Compromise" (both seen)?

Done. Most sources use upper case.

"but most executive offices were occupied by whites, including Mary Ovington, Charles Edward Russell, William English Walling, and its first president Moorfield Storey" - strange names those offices have :) - I would split this sentence. "occupied by whites. Major white office holders included ..."

Done.

More to come. Magic♪piano 05:01, 14 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you very much for the feedback. I'll take care of those issues tomorrow. --Noleander (talk) 06:14, 14 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Meclee

Just a minor note: I see the quote on the side ("Of Alexander Crummell") uses hyphens with spaces " - " instead of em-dashes "—" without spaces in the text. Meclee (talk) 05:47, 30 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Thanks for finding that. --Noleander (talk) 15:33, 30 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]