Wikipedia

Wikipedia:Peer review/Wishology/archive2

< Wikipedia:Peer review

Wishology

edit
Previous peer review
Toolbox
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.

This article recently passed its GA nomination. Since then, I've contributed to slight expansion of the article's "Production" section, and tried to clarify everything else in its entirety. I hope to nominate Wishology to the FAC eventually, but perhaps a second peer review should be done first by someone out there.

Thank you. 89119 (talk) 20:02, 4 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your willingness to take this article to FAC. It's a noble endeavor. I'll review this article from a nit picky standpoint and try and pull out issues that may come up at FAC.

Lead

  • Is the "The" in "The Darkness" a proper noun? Should it be capitalized? The "The" in "the Eliminators" is not capitalized so consistency is important as well.
  • Is The Lord of the Rings considered part of the science fiction genre? The rest of the films are but IMO it would be more fantasy than sci fi. Just a thought.
  • Use parenthetical references sparingly. It isn't good prose and I've found it frowned upon by FAC delegates.
  • "Robots known as Eliminators appear in Timmy's hometown, Dimmsdale, to destroy the "chosen one", Timmy himself." I don't think "himself" is necessary.
  • "...who serve as protectors of the white wand, the first of the three wands Timmy must possess." Duplicative information, you already said that in the previous paragraph.

Plot

  • Is "poof" a technical term? Seems a bit childish but I don't really have a suggestion for a better word to use. Thoughts?
  • "No one has any memory of him, but an Eliminator appears after he exclaims his own name." When I read this I was unsure who the "he" pronoun is referring to. Is it the Eliminator or Timmy or Jorgen? I'm not sure.
  • Why did Timmy board the Death Pod with his enemies? There doesn't seem to be a logical link here. Who are Timmy's enemies? This isn't clear and they haven't been introduced until now. I believe you are assuming prior knowledge about the show. I don't advocate for long plot sections but a little more detail here wouldn't hurt.
  • How is the audience introduced to Turbo Thunder?
    • The lead contains a brief description of him, so he doesn't need to be described again in the plot section. But I did add this sentence for better clarity: "A celebration follows at Fairy World, where Turbo Thunder appears and takes the white wand from Timmy." 89119 (talk) 20:24, 23 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • "...where the rock guardian grants Timmy the second wand." I don't think "grant" is the right word here, perhaps "give".
    • How is "give" a better word choice for "grant"? Before Timmy got the second wand, he had to pass the rock guardian's "chosen test". I think the word "grant" implies that possessing the wand requires some effort. But I'll ask the GOCE for this as well.
  • Another use of the verb "poof" combined with a character named "Poof" is a bit odd. Can you find another verb to replace "poof"?
  • "The M.E.R.F. launches an array of military weapons at the Eliminator..." I recommend changing "The M.E.R.F." to "M.E.R.F agents launch..."
  • "The M.E.R.F. launches an array of military weapons at the Eliminator, only to be absorbed by him and transform him into a more powerful version of himself, the Destructinator, whom solidifies the entire Earth in a steel casing which also transforms the M.E.R.F. agents into his henchmen." The writing here isn't very good. I recommend redoing it like this, "M.E.R.F. agents launch an array of military weapons at the Eliminator, but he absorbs the ordinance turning him into the Destructinator. He surrounds the Earth in a steel casing, which transforms the M.E.R.F. agents into his henchmen."
  • "The Destructinator's henchmen plant explosives inside Earth that, upon activation of a detonator remote, will blow it up." It's implied that explosives will blow up when detonated. The trick here is to introduce the detonator. Perhaps this is a possible rewrite, "The Destructinator's henchmen plant explosives inside Earth and give the Destructinator a detonation device."
  • How did Timmy steal the detonator? This wasn't spelled out. The last we heard the henchmen had planted the explosives and had the detonator. How did Timmy get it?
    • Added the sentence beforehand: " Timmy heads into space with the Destructinator following him, and the Destructinator attacks him which sends him back down to the Earth, at its north polar region." 89119 (talk) 20:24, 23 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Production

  • You switch from past to present tense. Be consistent with the tense and I suggest past tense.
  • The voice talent should be linked in the cast section first and not in the production section. Per WP:LINK the first time a name or term is used it should be linked.
    • An IP editor added a separate "Cast" section in bullet points. I removed it because I was under the impression that prose is more favored by FA standards. But I created a separate sub-level heading for the "Cast" within the "Production" section, because voice-talent is part of how an episode/film is made. Another reason: modeling after Family Guy FA Road to the Multiverse, which lists guest stars in its last paragraph of its "Production" section. 89119 (talk) 23:03, 20 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]
  • Along those lines you already linked Timmy, Jorgen and KISS in the plot section, no need to link here again per WP:OVERLINK.
  • "Hartman and Fellows pitched in the idea of a rock band in the storyline, where the band guards the white wand that Timmy seeks." I think it's just pitched w/o the "in".
  • "Nevertheless, they asked and received permission from Gene Simmons to feature Kiss, drawn as animated two-dimensional figures to blend in with the series' customary appearance, and a performance of one of their songs "Rock and Roll All Nite", which is played towards the end of "The Big Beginning", during a concert party at Fairy World." This is a run-on sentence. Consider breaking into two and keeping the subject separated.
  • "At last-minute notice, however, as of April 27, 2009 Nickelodeon decided to consolidate the premieres into one weekend. In accordance with the plan change, Wishology aired every night from 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., from Friday to Sunday, May 1–3, 2009. "The Big Beginning" premiered on May 1, "The Exciting Middle Part" on May 2, and "The Final Ending" on May 3." Not good writing here. Consider a rewrite, "At the last minute N decided to premier the film over a weekend. Wishology aired from 8:00 to 9:00 pm Friday to Sunday night May 1-3." The rest of the information is repetitive.
  • Is it necessary to have 9 references for two sentences regarding the broadcast? Seems a bit much. H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 22:27, 20 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Cultural references

  • "During the three parts of Timmy's trilogy wish at the beginning..." What is a trilogy wish? At the beginning of what? Maybe I'm confused because I'm not familiar with the cartoon but this doesn't make sense to me.
  • "At Dimmsdale, when he tries to figure out the chosen one riddle in order to find the white wand, Timmy becomes chased down by the police for allegedly becoming a quarter thief and smashing a statue at the Dimmsdale museum." Change becomes → is.
  • "like a Guitar Hero controller that imitates a real guitar instrument." A guitar is an instrument so you don't need to call it a guitar instrument.
  • "When Mark's space pod plunges into the Earth and destroys an Eliminator disguised as Mark, the Eliminator's feet curl up in a way similar to the Wicked Witch does." Not good writing here. You need to clarify for readers not familiar with the cultural allusion: "the Eliminator's feet curl up in a way reminiscent of the Wicked Witch of the East from the Wizard of Oz."
  • Is it necessary to list every cultural reference? It gets a little tiresome. I'm not familiar enough to animated FAs to say for sure but it seems to go beyond summary style to give every cultural reference in the trilogy. But if that's the norm then I guess you have to do it.
  • Don't link terms in common English useage like hotel and palm trees.

Reception

  • "However, "The Exciting Middle Part" did not attain as much viewers..." Change much → many.
  • The parenthetical reference to Sonny with a chance and Hannah Montana is unnecessary detail and I recommend you remove it. "In terms of viewership" is implied and can be removed as well.
  • "However, she also criticized the role of Turbo Thunder in the episode." You overuse the term "in the episode". Once is enough in the previous sentence. The reader knows Turbo is "in the episode" so you don't need to keep restating it.
  • The single sentence stub paragraph at the end should either be expanded or combined with another paragraph. Stub paras are not good. It's also an odd way to end the article.

References

  • Refs look ok, watch out for blogs, those will be red flags that they FAC delegates will look at. I did, and they seemed ok but usually blogs are not seen as credible sources.

Overall

  • The writing needs improvement. As it stands it would not pass FAC. I tried to fix some minor errors and suggested some sentence rewrites. I would focus on unnecessary words. From a prose perspective FACs fail frequently because they are full of verbage that doesn't need to be there. Words like "very" "also" and most adverbs can be eliminated. You'll need to take a critical look at the writing and make some cuts. You may want to seek an editor from the Animation or similar project who can do a 3rd party copy edit. If all else fails the Guild of Copy Editors may be able to help.
  • The lead is good, I don't see any glaring MOS issues, refs are fine, images are appropriate. It'll really come down to writing. I hope that helps, if you have questions you can contact me on my talk page as I don't watch review pages. Please consider doing a review here or at WP:GAC. There's always a need for more reviewers. Thanks and good luck. H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 22:58, 20 July 2011 (UTC)[reply]
Retrieved from "https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:Peer_review/Wishology/archive2&oldid=441385407"