Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/John McManners

This was my first article. I am hoping to see what others think and for suggestions on how it could be improved.Forhist100 (talk) 04:23, 18 March 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The prose is problematic. Some examples: "He served with the Northumberland Fusiliers, and was commissioned soon after enlisting. He served in the Western Desert Campaign and was at the Siege of Tobruk. He also served with the 210 British Liaison Unit (Greek Mission) in Alexandreia to help prepare Greece for restoration of constitutional government." Choppy and repetitive. When you complete the article, ask a copy-editor to go through it or ask help from the League of Copyeditors.
The first four sections have no inline citations.
In "Published Works" all the paragraphs are stubby! This is not nice for the prose.And you should also improve your narration, the way you go from one book to the other for instance. Don't forget you tell the story a reader should follow and, why not, enjoy.
For your references you could use a series of templates, such as Template:cite book, Template:cite book, Template:cite news, Template:cite web, and Template:cite encyclopedia.

It would be nice if you could further expand the article with more information.--Yannismarou (talk) 14:42, 22 March 2008 (UTC)[reply]

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