Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Mary of Teck

Mary of Teck

Queen Consort of George V of the United Kingdom. Currently B class, deserves to be higher. DrKiernan 09:46, 24 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

You're probably right, only thing I can see on a quick overview is that most of the article beginning with the legacy section lacks sourcing. Wrad 21:11, 27 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, I'm in the process of amending that. DrKiernan 12:51, 31 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Review by Awadewit

Another nice article, DrKiernan. Most of my comments deal with small prose issues.

Content:

Do we know more about her childhood? There is very little about her early life or education.
Edward, in his memoirs, wrote with fondness of Mary as a mother,[14] although views expressed in private letters to his wife after his mother's death were less charitable. - quotes might make this more lively and more specific
The repeated "and now they were styled" business gets tiring - is that necessary? You list the titles in the infobox. If you added dates to the infobox, would that take care of the necessity of having that information in the article?
Two months after the end of the war, Queen Mary's youngest son, "our poor darling little Johnnie", died aged just thirteen. She described her shock and sorrow in her diary, extracts of which were published after her death. - again quotes would make her more human
The "Legacy" section seems like a prose list and more like trivia than anything else. Try to find a unifying theme for the legacy or eliminate some of this information.

Prose:

The first paragraph of the lead is over-burdened with titles.
major political changes arising from the aftermath of the war and the rise of socialism and nationalism - perhaps "such as" rather than "and"?
- I'm uncomfortable with saying that socialism and nationalism were effects of the war. I would agree that their development was accelerated by it, but they had already started their rise a long time before 1918. DrKiernan 08:07, 1 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  - That's fine. I thought that was what you meant by the sentence. Could you then perhaps write "major political changes arising from the aftermath of the war such as [insert appropriate examples] as well as the rise of socialism and nationalism" or something to that effect? Awadewit ^Talk 08:26, 1 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
as the model of regal formality and propriety - "the" or "a"?
her father, the Duke of Teck, was the product of morganatic marriage - "a morganatic marriage"?
The Duchess of Teck was however granted a Parliamentary Annuity of £5,000 - unnecessary splitting of the verb
the family was deeply in debt and were forced to live abroad from 1883 - "was" or "were"? shouldn't both be the same?
York Cottage was a modest house for royalty, but was a favourite of George, who liked a relatively simple life - "a favourite of George's"?
Whilst Princess of Wales, she accompanied her husband on trips to Austria-Hungary and Württemberg in 1904. - unnecessarily archaic
As she thought she should not be "Victoria", from then on she chose to be called "Mary" - explain the connection to Queen Victoria for the uninformed reader
During World War I Queen Mary instituted an austerity drive at Buckingham Palace, rationing food, and visited the many wounded, and dying, servicemen in hospitals, which she found to be a great emotional strain. - excessive commas
She retained an imperturbable self-assuredness throughout all her public engagements in the years after the war, despite civil unrest over social conditions, Irish independence and Indian nationalism. - awkwardly worded - almost seemed like non-parallel structure until I went back
Queen Mary paid particular attention to his care. During his illness in 1928, one of his doctors, Sir Farquhar Buzzard, was asked who had saved the King's life. He replied, "The Queen". - Can you connect these sentences together more?
Queen Mary later refused to meet her either in public or privately. - parallelism
She never wavered in her disapproval of what she perceived as his damage to the Crown, but as a mother her love for him as her son remained unaffected. - redundant
Queen Mary took an interest in the upbringing of her granddaughters, Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret Rose, whose parents thought it unnecessary for them to be taxed with any demanding educational regime, taking them on various excursions about London, to art galleries and museums. - not clear who is doing the taking
The two paragraphs on art collection could be joined into one and reorganized more fluidly.
Their joint tomb has above it magnificently carved recumbent effigies of both the King and Queen wearing robes of state. - awkward phrasing Awadewit ^Talk 17:47, 31 May 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks, I've amended most of the above, and will work on the others. DrKiernan 17:27, 1 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]