Talk:Bol Bol/GA1
Latest comment: 6 years ago by Gonzo fan2007 in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: Gonzo fan2007 (talk · contribs) 03:25, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
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Hi Runningibis, if you are still interested, I will review this article. I usually start with a copyedit and then go from there. If you disagree with any of the copyedits, let me know. I try to just make uncontroversial changes. Cheers, « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 03:25, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Copyedit
- Here is my copyedit. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 03:38, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Lead
- "Bol was considered one of the best players in the class of 2018" - change "considered" to "identified as"
- "being rated a consensus" - change "being" to "having been"
- "where he was relegated to the junior varsity team" - relegated seems a little charged. Maybe "where he was assigned"
- Per MOS:LEADCITE, you don't need an inline citation in the lead. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 04:38, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- High school career
- "However, he soon left the school because he did not live in the district.[4] After transferring in 2015, Bol continued his freshman season for Bishop Miege High School in Roeland Park, Kansas." - I would combine these sentences to something like "Because he did not live in his school district, Bol transferred to Bishop Miege High School in Roeland Park, Kansas where he continued his freshman season."
- "Bol turned heads playing for his" - "turned heads" is a little loaded. Maybe something more neutral like "participated in"
- "Bol chipped in 14 points to help Bishop Miege win" - change "chipped in" to something like "contributed"
- "After guiding his team to a 22-win season" - the source uses the word "led", I would replace "guiding" with "leading" to be truer to the source
- "April 2016, he obtained a scholarship offer from Kansas." - change "obtained" to "received"
- "it was announced that Bol was transferring" - change to "Bol announced he was transferring" to remove the passive voice
- "he notched 14 points" - "notched" is a little too colloquial. Maybe just say "scored", "recorded" or something similar
- What do you mean by "Bol paced Mater Dei with 15 points" - he led his team in scoring? If so, I would use a more neutral phrase.
- "he had picked up offers from Arizona, USC, and Oregon" - change "picked up" to "received"
- "In was revealed in November 2017 that Bol was transferring to Findlay Prep in Henderson, Nevada, where he would play under head coach Paul Washington.[29] His head coach at Mater Dei said that Bol made the move due to "family reasons." - I would combine the sentences to something like "Due to family reasons, Bol transferred to Findlay Prep in Henderson, Nevada in November 2017, where he would play under head coach Paul Washington."
- "he erupted for 30 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 blocks" - "erupted for" is a little loaded. Maybe just "recorded"
- "Bol poured in 32 points in 21 minutes" - change "poured in" to just "scored"
- In the table there is a lot of acronyms that don't have their meaning explained. C, CA, ft, in, m, lb and kg. I would either use the {{Abbr}} or {{Convert}} templates to explain the meaning of these.
- I have general concern that this section is too long. If there is any way for you to shorten or tighten it up, either by combining sentences, remove overly specific details, etc. that would be great. As his career progresses, his high school exploits will become less notable. It is ok for right now, but something to think about as the article evolves in order to maintain GA status. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:24, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- National team career
- Could you add something explaining what "Team World" is. For those unfamiliar with FIBA, this is a foreign concept. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 04:37, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Personal life
- "and graduated from college there in 2013" - remove "from college there" since it's already implied.
- "Bol has an older brother, Madut, who played college basketball at Southern University and graduated from college there in 2013.[45] He has three other siblings, named Garang, Aker, and Mariak." - I would combine these sentences: "Bol has four siblings, including Madut, who played college basketball at Southern University and graduated in 2013." I think it is unnecessary to list the other names of his non-notable siblings. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 04:37, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Images
- File:MerueloGym.jpg and File:Blue Valley Northwest.png are both freely licensed and properly tagged. They both are relevant to the article. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 03:38, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- References
- Reference #1 needs to be filled out. It needs the publisher or website fields and access-date at the very least.
- References 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 17, 20, 22, 23, 26, 27, 29, 31, 32, 33 should use the
|newspaper=field, instead of the|website=field. - The
|website=field should only be used when an actual website is listed (i.e. if it ends in .com, .edu, .org, etc). If you are listing the publisher, like Sports Illustrated, you should use the|publisher=field. Please check all the references. - In the sentence "As a 6 ft 5 in (1.96 m) seventh grader, Bol featured in a highlight video at an Indianapolis basketball camp that drew attention from CBS Sports and The Washington Post.[6][7][8]" I would place each source after you mention it. I.e. place the Youtube source after "video", the CBS source after CBS Sports, and the Post source after Washington Post.
- In the sentence "In November 2016, it was announced that Bol was transferring from Bishop Miege to Mater Dei High School in Santa Ana, California for his junior year.[20][21][22]" - why does it need 3 sources? Seems uncontroversial to me.
- There are a good number of sentences that have two references that don't seem controversial. Please check and remove any duplicate sources that are providing the same information.
- Reference 18, the publisher is "University of Oregon Athletics", not Oregon Ducks
- Reference 19, the publisher is "Lawrence Journal-World" which should be included in the reference
- The source in the table should be properly filled out, using the ref tags and a citation template
- All the other references look good. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:55, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Overall
- His nationality is American, but he was born in Sudan? Did he immigrate and become a nationalized American citizen? If so, and there is a source, it would be nice to add to the article.
- I understand that his college "career" has not really started yet, but since the lead says he is a college basketball player, you should probably have a "College career" section with some text explaining his commitment to the Ducks. This section will be needed anyway when he starts playing this season. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:24, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Overall, a solid article. After the issues above are addressed, it should be good to go. Will place on hold. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:55, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Comments
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- All issues have been cleared up. Runningibis (talk) 11:07, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Thanks Runningibis. I am still working through the high school career section and the references. I'll be adding more comments today. Cheers, « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 14:52, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Gonzo_fan2007 I have cleared up all the additional issues brought up. Some double references have been left for non-controversial statements, because the sentence uses information from both sources. There are no sources describing his citizenship in detail, but since he was a finalist for a United States FIBA roster, his nationality would be considered American. The table has been deleted, since most of the information is stated in the article anyways, and I created a new section for his college career. Runningibis (talk) 22:43, 7 September 2018 (UTC)
- Awesome. Nice work! Everything looks good now. Passed. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 22:50, 7 September 2018 (UTC)