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Talk:Glazer ownership of Manchester United/GA1

< Talk:Glazer ownership of Manchester United
Latest comment: 10 years ago by Lemonade51 in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Latest comment: 10 years ago30 comments2 people in discussion
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Reviewer: Lemonade51 (talk · contribs) 13:25, 5 June 2014 (UTC)Reply

I'll take a look at this.

Lead
  • “The club split from the railway company in 1892 and remained under private ownership for almost 100 years, changing its name to Manchester United after a brush with bankruptcy in 1902.”, avoid idiomatic expressions.
  • The lead makes reference to United being debt-free for so many years; perhaps you can emphaise this in the background section so the reader can get some context.
Acquisition of shares and gaining control
  • Italicise Financial Times as it's a publication.
  • "On 12 May 2005, Glazer reached an agreement with shareholders J. P. McManus and John Magnier to purchase Cubic Expression's 28.7% stake in the team", the club you mean. They didn't have control of the players, did they?
  • Where's the citation for "He then managed to secure the stake of the third-largest stakeholder, Scottish mining entrepreneur Harry Dobson, taking his share total to 62% of the club."
  • "By 13 May, Glazer had bought a further 12.8% stake...", the next sentence starts "On 16 May 2005, Glazer took his shareholding in......", the following paragraph "Glazer's shareholding increased gradually to 76.2% by 23 May.....", where's the consistency with including the year? This is also an issue under 'Red Knights takeover plans'
    • Done. Since there are multiple alternating references to different years in the 'Red Knights takeover plans' section, I've decided to leave that one as it is. – PeeJay 21:36, 5 June 2014 (UTC)Reply
  • ”to purchase Cubic Expression's 28.7% stake in the team, giving him a controlling stake with just under 57% of…” "to purchase Cubic Expression's 28.7% stake in the team, which gave him a controlling stake of just under 57%"
  • Where's the source for "The final valuation of the club was almost £800 million (approximately $1.5 billion at the exchange rate at the time)"?
Aftermath
  • The first sentence of the 'Aftermath' section reads lengthy -- chop it down to two sentences.
  • "lucrative new shirt sponsorship deal signed in April", April 2005 or April 2006?
  • Source to confirm, "Increased revenue from TV rights to each competition the club participates in, as well as its successful apparel deal with Nike, also boosted the club's profitability."?
  • "Also, contrary to the fears of many fans, the Glazers took action to ensure that Gill and veteran manager Alex Ferguson" → start new paragraph with this sentence. And it should be Sir Alex Ferguson.
  • "In 2006, Malcolm Glazer made strong indications that he was at Manchester United for the long haul...", remove 'Malcolm' as his full name has already been mentioned. Not sure how you linked Glazer appointing his family members to him making 'strong indications' that he would be at the club for the long term – neither source confirms this. Rather it highlights that for the first time Glazer was preparing to delegate responsibility. Rewrite the sentence to show this, something like: "In 2006, Glazer appointed his other two sons, Kevin and Edward, and his daughter, Darcie, to the Manchester United board as non-executive directors; this suggested he........."
Refinancing
  • "On 11 January 2010, shortly before an announcement that Red Football's debt" who/what is Red Football? Wasn't given any prior introduction.
Red Knights takeover plans
  • Source needed for "A non-violent protest was organised by the club's supporters groups, following up on the "Love United Hate Glazer" campaign that had existed since 2005, and encouraging match-going fans to wear green and gold, the colours of Manchester United's precursor club, Newton Heath."
  • "Later that day, Manchester United announced that their gross debt for", there is no date given the previous paragraph, just 'At the beginning of March 2010'
  • "as well as public support from the club's chief executive David Gill, who claimed that the Glazers were.............. " Gill has already been wikilinked and his position at the club has already been given.
  • "Following Manchester United's 4–0 victory over Milan in their Champions League first knockout round tie, even former Manchester United player David Beckham was seen wearing..."
  • "United manager Alex Ferguson would be prepared to invest his own money in the Red Knights' bid, but Ferguson dismissed these reports", replace bold with 'he'
  • "The Red Knights later admitted that they would not make a bid for the club before the end of the season", end of what season? 2009–10 or 2010–11?
  • "Despite these plans, in June 2010 the Red Knights" → "Despite these plans, the Red Knights in June 2010"
  • "on hold", not 'on hold' with apostrophe marks. Citation needed at end of that sentence.
    • Done. There was already a reference at the end of the paragraph, which was supposed to apply to the earlier statements, but I've added another to make it clear. – PeeJay 21:36, 5 June 2014 (UTC)Reply
New York share issue
  • "...an application was made for the club to sell shares on the New York Stock Exchange" → "an application was made for the club to sell shares on the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)", acronym can be used thereafter.
  • "Shares in the club would be divided into two groups, with Class A shares being sold to the public and Class B shares being retained by the Glazer family", avoid 'noun + ing' cases. Pretty handy guide here to see where I'm coming from and tips on how you can tighten your prose for future work.
References

Generally the article does a good job of summarising a delicate subject. No dab or dead links, nor can I find any problems with the licenses of the images used. You might want to comb over of the prose once you dealt with these points, as I'm bound to have missed out something. Will pass once comments have been addressed, on hold till then. Lemonade51 (talk) 13:25, 5 June 2014 (UTC)Reply

Thanks for the review, mate. I think I've managed to address all your concerns. If not, just let me know what there is left to fix and I'll get on it ASAP. – PeeJay 21:36, 5 June 2014 (UTC)Reply
Reads much better now; have no overall concerns and shall pass. Nice work. Lemonade51 (talk) 10:31, 6 June 2014 (UTC)Reply
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