Talk:Peter Penfold/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Shudde (talk · contribs) 01:20, 29 March 2013 (UTC)

Hey. I'll be reviewing this article. Bear with me as I add comments, I usually do this piece by piece rather than in one large chunk. I'll try to have the review complete relatively promptly. - Shudde ^talk 01:20, 29 March 2013 (UTC)

Thanks for your review, and apologies for my tardiness in responding. I've dealt with many of the issues; it may take me a few days to deal with the remainder. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 23:04, 3 May 2013 (UTC)

No problems. I'm going to get through your replies as quickly as I can, but may have to wait another day or two for me to get through them all. - Shudde ^talk 12:18, 9 May 2013 (UTC)

Early life – addressed comments

Early life "He left school with A-levels in French, German, and geography, and began working in odd jobs to earn money." - reference says "I had left grammar school at the age of 19 and had A levels in German, French and geography and had started doing all sorts of odd jobs just to earn some money" - be careful of close paraphrasing. I've re-worded slightly, but there are only so many ways to say the sky is blue. "but had to enter at a lower grade than in the Civil Service" - I'm not sure that it is 100% clear the way it is written. I mean he basically had two options, enter the Civil Service as an executive officer, or enter the Foreign Service as a clerical officer? Re-worded slightly; see what you think.

1963–1984: career beginnings – addressed comments

1963–1984: career beginnings " affair with Africa", and he . He spent two years in Kaduna as one of the three junior staff who" - bit of a mistake there Must have been in a rush there! "diplomatic privilege" - what is that? Added a link, but it's not great Ah yes - I'd heard the terms diplomatic immunity, and parliamentary privilege, so should have put two and two together! - Shudde talk 12:28, 9 May 2013 (UTC) "ng the football world cup wh" - wondering if FIFA World Cup is a better term here. Does it matter? I'm not sure most people are familiar with the term "FIFA world cup" and the article is about a diplomat not a sportsman. Well I'm not sure. I was mainly thinking of the United States - whether people could figure it out from context I'm not sure. - Shudde talk 12:28, 9 May 2013 (UTC) Football means different things to different people obviously, but in the context, I think it's clear enough (out of curiosity I searched "football world cup"; I thought it might be a dab, but it actually redirects to FIFA World Cup. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 17:45, 14 May 2013 (UTC) I'm not surprised where it links, it's not a big thing, so I'm happy to relent on it! - Shudde talk 06:58, 18 May 2013 (UTC)

1975–1987: Ethiopia and Uganda

1975–1987: Ethiopia and Uganda " and began learning Amharic—the language of Ethiopia" - implies that Amharic is the only language spoken widely in Ethiopia; this isn't the case is it? even calling it "the language of Ethiopia" could be seen as close paraphrasing of the source. I've clarified this (though four words, two of which are "the" and "of" can't really be close paraphrasing) while I'm at it, footnote [6] says p. 7-8, but think it is actually 8-9. Yes, fixed. compare "I was instructed by David Owen to introduce myself to the three Rhodesian leaders who were there at the conference" from the ref, and " He was instructed by Foreign Secretary David Owen to introduce himself to the leaders of the independence movement in Southern Rhodesia (...) at an OAU conference" - I'm starting to worry a little about the close paraphrasing. I'm not an expert on this, so correct me if I'm off the mark. I obviously can't access all the sources, but some statements are very similar to those in the Cullimore source. I'm wondering if it worth your time trying to go through and check this? I've reworded this. "At the time, the FCO had two career "streams"—one for university graduates and one for non-graduates—and during his time in the West Africa Department, Penfold "bridged" into the faster stream.[10]" - maybe reword this to make it clear he "bridged" into the university graduate stream Clarified, I think "One of his first tasks was the 1985 queen's birthday party, which he postponed in order to allow President Milton Obote to attend—the first time Obote attended a national day. " - this is really unclear. Was the queen's birthday party (should it be Queen? Proper noun?) in London or Uganda? The other reason it is confusing is because you say birthday party then national day. It's unclear why this is important and/or notable. The QBP is considered the UK's national day and a celebration is held at every British diplomatic mission; I would say that a president attending a national day for the first time would merit a mention in the article of the diplomat who persuaded him to attend. Okay I get it, but would it be "the" national day rather than "a" - I think that may have been part of the reason it confused me a little. So he organised the celebrations at the High Commission? - Shudde talk I think "a" works better,because every nation has a national day every year OK I think we might have been reading things slightly differently. I still think "One of his first tasks was the 1985 queen's birthday party" could be slightly clearer; maybe adding that the party was the High Commission's would avoid confusion? I think when I initially read it I was not sure what exactly it was ("party" can be a broad term); but from what I see now, it was a function hosted by the High Commission to celebrate the national holiday, and it was therefore significant that Obote attended? Is this right? - Shudde talk 06:58, 18 May 2013 (UTC) Good point. I've added "the high commission's" to clarify this. "Penfold was appointed an Officer of the Order of the British Empire (OBE) in 1986" - was this for his work in Uganda? I presume so but I haven't been able to find the London Gazette entry to confirm. It's fine if you can't find out, just thought it'd be interesting to know why. - Shudde talk 12:28, 9 May 2013 (UTC)

References

• I see for large parts of the article you rely on Cullimore's interview of Penfold. I'm wondering how reliable this is? I mean it's going to be fine for certain indisputable facts, and also for Penfold's view on aspects of his life and career, but are there any circumstances where this source may be considered unreliable?
  • As you say, it's fine for uncontroversial facts and for his opinions. Its suitability for other things is questionable. I don't think there's much that would be controversial except some f the Sierra Leone stuff and I'll see if I can dig up other sources for that. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 23:04, 3 May 2013 (UTC)

- I'll add more comments later. Hopefully won't be too long. - Shudde ^talk

1987–1997: FCO and the British Virgin Islands – addressed comments

1987–1997: FCO and the British Virgin Islands "The department was divided between independent nations and British dependencies, of which Penfold was responsible for the latter." - English Reworded "In the years before and during Penfold's tenure, the British dependencies had been the subject of several controversies and were causing problems for the British government, to whom the international community looked to resolve crises in its dependent territories." - don't know if this reads well. Are you talking about domestic 'controversies' Mostly diplomatic and constitutional problems; I've rephrased a little "The FCO had struggled to find new governors for the territories since the winding-up of the Colonial Service," - maybe specify when Done. "Penfold recommended in a paper that the Diplomatic Service" - a policy paper? Presumably; added. "After he had completed his term as governor in 1996, the FCO struggled to find a post for Penfold, so they appointed him to the newly created post of special drugs adviser to the Caribbean, in which he worked as part of a team of drugs advisers from across the European Union assisting Caribbean governments in developing drugs policies.[11][19]" - maybe make it clear this is regarding illicit drugs Done

Military coup and first evacuation – addressed comments
Military coup and first evacuation I think some of the page numbers for references in this section are incorrect. Out by 1-2 pages. I think I've fixed these now.

Sandline affair – addressed comments
Sandline affair "Sandline had been contracted to provide assistance to the Nigerian-led forces in Sierra Leone" - assistance is rather vague isn't it? I don't think Sandline were ever particularly specific "British high commission" capitals? Done who/what is Spicer? Clarified

Second evacuation, Lomé Accord, and replacement

• "The evacuation was criticised," maybe find a more reliable source than Cullimore for this statement.
  • I haven't been able to find much in the way of criticism, btu I did find a source that said a lot of people chose to say, so I've just removed the mention of criticism.
• "Penfold's term as high commissioner expired in April 2000. He requested a British military adviser be sent to Sierra Leone, as well as an extension to his own term, both of which were denied. He left the country on 30 April and was succeeded by Alan Jones.[41] After returning to the UK, he applied for multiple posts but was turned down for each. He was asked to take early retirement, but was keen to retire on his own terms. He eventually took a job as a conflict adviser to DfID, having developed good relations with the department earlier in his career.[11][41]" - same problem here, I'd like to see it reference from better sources than an interview with Penfold himself
  • I've added a quote from the Cullimore source that hopefully makes clear the last part of this paragraph is in fact Penfold's opinion. Should reduce the need for another source. Hopefully this is acceptable to you. Feel free to change it if you desire. - Shudde ^talk 08:18, 30 June 2013 (UTC)

Lead

Lead "He served in Mexico during the 1970 football world cup," - see comment above re FIFA World Cup Replied above wikilink Canberra - you'd be surprised how many people do not know it is the capital of Australia Done "Penfold's next overseas posting was to Kampala, Uganda, as deputy high commissioner. There, he persuaded President Milton Obote to attend the queen's birthday party for the first time." see comments above regarding clarity and notability of this Replied above. Would it be clearer to say "British High Commission's queen's birthday ..." ? - Shudde talk 12:40, 9 May 2013 (UTC) "The main issues of Penfold's tenure were the establishment of the territory as an offshore financial centre and the smuggling of drugs through its waters until the sudden death of the chief minister created a constitutional crisis, which Penfold resolved by appointing the deputy chief minister interim replacement." - this doesn't read particularly well Copy-edited. "but the role of British private military company Sandline International proved controversial in the United Kingdom" - this was a bit unclear when I read it (before reading the full article) - maybe "but the role of the private military company Sandline International in assisting Kabbah created controversy in the United Kingdom" Done. " (the eight evacuation of his career and the second in Sierra Leone)" maybe remove this I think this is quite interesting—there can't be many diplomats who have had to evacuate their post that many times. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 13:02, 27 June 2013 (UTC) Fair enough. - Shudde talk 08:03, 30 June 2013 (UTC)

Other

• Maybe make it clear that his wife Celia in the infobox is is second wife
  • I'm not sure how I'd do this (or why it matters)
    • Seems to be standard practise - Robert Redford, Nelson Mandela - Shudde ^talk 12:40, 9 May 2013 (UTC)
      • I'm not sure it's standard, but I don't vehemently object to it. That said, I don't think his first wife is named anywhere, so I'm not sure how to denote the second marriage in the infobox. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 13:02, 27 June 2013 (UTC)
        • Yeah I was only concerned that looking at the infobox readers may get the impression he was only married once – I suppose if it's important enough to put in the infobox, it's important enough to get right. I would suggest having "Celia (199X–present)" in there, but we don't know the exact year they got married. If you come across the year of their marriage then I'd do that, otherwise leave it. - Shudde ^talk 08:10, 30 June 2013 (UTC)

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

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I think the article is very interesting, and think it is in great shape. My major concern here is about close paraphrasing. I did a few spot checks on this, and think it needs to be checked by the nominator. This may take some time, however close paraphrasing can be a pretty big copyright concern. My only other concern is regarding the reliability of the Cullimore source, as it is basically a transcriped interview with the subject of the article. I'm worried this may be challenged as a reliable source in some cases. I think if those things are addressed, then it wouldn't be far off WP:FA standard. Congratulations on the work so far. Hope my comments are clear, let me know if you have any questions. I'm going to place this article on hold for now, but hopefully it'll be a pass in not too long! - Shudde ^talk 03:48, 29 March 2013 (UTC)

1. It is reasonably well written.

   a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):

   see close paraphrasing comments above

2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.

   a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):

   maybe an issue with one source, see above.

3. It is broad in its coverage.

   a (major aspects): b (focused):

4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.

   Fair representation without bias:

5. It is stable.

   No edit wars, etc.:

6. It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.

   a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):

   would be good if there was an image, but understand how it would be hard to get hold of one with an appropriate licence.

7. Overall:

   Pass/Fail:

Query

This review is now two months old, and is the oldest outstanding review. What's left to be done by reviewer and by nominator? BlueMoonset (talk) 19:42, 29 May 2013 (UTC)

HJ Mitchell (talk · contribs) has said to me that he has limited internet access, and that he has a new source for the article; and for that reason I have given a lot of leeway regarding the time-frame for the review. I'm happy with the situation as it stands, and don't plan on letting this review linger forever – however at the moment I'm comfortable to let things move along slowly. If you have a specific concern with the age of the review let me know, but I don't think it's a problem right now. - Shudde ^talk 11:44, 30 May 2013 (UTC)

Passing

I'm going to pass the article. I'm pretty comfortable that it meets the criteria, and I think that nothing too controversial is sourced solely by Cullimore. Would probably be good if some third party sources were used more, but I don't think anything [potentially] controversial remains. Also think the prose is very clear now. Congratulations on the article. Pretty good to finally have this one ticked off! - Shudde ^talk 08:22, 30 June 2013 (UTC)