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Hermance Edan
- ... that the board game that would become Stratego was designed by a 57-year-old woman with no previous professional game design experience?
- Source: French Patent office, Brevet n° 396.795
- ALT1: ... that little is known of Hermance Edan before she patented her first board game in 1908, at the age of 57? Source: French Patent office, Brevet n° 396.795
- ALT2: ... that L'Attaque, the board game that became Stratego, was patented in 1908 by its designer, a 57-year-old woman? Source: French Patent office, Brevet n° 396.795 — Preceding unsigned comment added by Farrest (talk • contribs) 05:06, 6 October 2024 (UTC)
- Reviewed:
- Comment: I translated this article from the French, so the references in the article may need some work, but Edan's age at the time of her patent seems well-attested. Thanks for your consideration!
Farrest (talk) 20:41, 5 October 2024 (UTC).
Article is long, new, and presentable enough, and as well-cited as a figure this obscure can be. The hook cites a reliable source and is quite interesting, as "board game designer" was an extremely rare profession in 1908, and dramatically more so for a single 57-year-old woman. I might like it if the hook included both game names, though — perhaps "... that L'Attaque, the board game that became Stratego, was patented in 1908 by a 57-year-old woman?" Personman (talk) 04:21, 6 October 2024 (UTC)
- I like this wording, and I've added it above as "Alt2". Thanks! Farrest (talk) 05:10, 6 October 2024 (UTC)
Some citations are needed in the article Farrest. ~~ AirshipJungleman29 (talk) 00:38, 19 October 2024 (UTC)
- Thanks, AirshipJungleman29. I've found and added attributions for the two "citation needed" sentences that the original French version had left uncited – the variant games and her record of death. Farrest (talk) 05:13, 24 October 2024 (UTC)
- I like this wording, and I've added it above as "Alt2". Thanks! Farrest (talk) 05:10, 6 October 2024 (UTC)
How about this reworking?
- ALT0a: ... that Hermance Edan designed the board game that would become Stratego without any professional game development experience?
theleekycauldron (talk • she/her) 08:01, 8 November 2024 (UTC)
- Hmm, your version flows better as a sentence than my original ALT0, but what interested and inspired me when I came across the French article was Edan's gender and her age when she designed the game (especially given the time), so I think it would be more compelling if those facts were included in the hook... what do you think of ALT2, or something like it? Farrest (talk) 04:55, 10 November 2024 (UTC)
- My preference would be for ALT2 or ALT. Mary Mark Ockerbloom (talk) 20:32, 11 November 2024 (UTC)
- Hmm, your version flows better as a sentence than my original ALT0, but what interested and inspired me when I came across the French article was Edan's gender and her age when she designed the game (especially given the time), so I think it would be more compelling if those facts were included in the hook... what do you think of ALT2, or something like it? Farrest (talk) 04:55, 10 November 2024 (UTC)