Kelly0327

/Archive 1

Draft Feedback

Kelly0327,

You've done a lot of really great work so far. I love the diversity of example you've used in the examples section. For now, i'd back off of working on that section except for reading over it a few times for grammar and syntax and focus on the methods and outcomes sections. The examples section is global, but what you have for the methods and outcomes is not very global, so just keep that in mind. I'm still curious about if yo could incorporate online mentoring into the article, I think that would draw the WP community to the article because of the nature of online mentoring and the article could potentially get some nice edits later on. I really think you've got the encyclopedic writing style down! Nice job.

AbbeyMaynard (talk) 02:06, 24 October 2013 (UTC)

Draft Feedback

Here are a few more suggestions before you move on to the live article.

Remove everything without citations or find cites before it goes live. I would also suggest that you search for more examples of Indian cultural norms. You mention them and then immediately move on. If you can dig up any statistics about the effectiveness of the programs, that would also help quite a great deal. You might also want to include a brief description of the Roma culture-- it might help contextualize why mentorship is needed for that group, specifically. Hyperlink apartheid. Minor detail, but I think it would be helpful. Make the part where you mention Tampa to read, "Tampa, Florida, United States" just because assuming that people know that it is in the US carries a little bias.

AbbeyMaynard (talk) 21:58, 13 November 2013 (UTC)

Youth mentoring draft feedback

Hi Kelly.

Here's some feedback for your current draft:

• I'm glad you've added a methods section and I hope you will include a subsection for e-mentoring there.
• The Community Based subsection there states that in India "youth are less in need of individual attention". Is that true? Perhaps there is a different way to word that, but if you think it belongs I think a blanket statement like that would be best attributed to the specific source; something like "According to a paper published in International Social Work, ..."
• Please link to the Romani people article instead of Gypsies, which is a disambiguation page.
• You removed most of the material that was in the History of U.S. mentoring movement section. I support this but would encourage you to retain links to specific mentoring programs that have articles: MENTOR and America's Promise. Though it is unsourced at the moment, I think the first paragraph there that describes the origins of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program is relevant to your article and could be retained.
• Photos need to be re-captioned. It looks like you're using the file names of the photos as the captions. The file pages usually have a description field that can be used for captions.
• I realize you're not working on the lead section of the article, but it could use some work if you were so inclined. The lead sentence seems especially weak to me. Mentoring is not a process of matching mentors to youth, but rather an ongoing learning relationship. The final paragraph in the lead section refers to a study by the NAS. I'm not sure of the scope of their study, but it seems US-centric. Perhaps it could be moved to the US section.

Overall your draft is looking very good and I think it is an significant improvement over the current article. With your permission I'd like to make some small formatting changes to your draft. Let me know if you need me to clarify or if you have any questions. Gobōnobō ^{+ c} 14:33, 19 November 2013 (UTC)

Thank you

Gobonobo, Thank you for your feedback, it was very helpful. I am working on incorporating the history back into the United States section, as well as the lead in paragraph. Feel free to make formatting changes to my page, I appreciate your time and help!