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Wikipedia:Peer review/Allah jang Palsoe/archive1

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Allah jang Palsoe

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I've listed this article for peer review because I want to bring it to FAC and would like some feedback from persons unfamiliar with the subject.

Thanks,  — Chris Woodrich (talk) 07:58, 8 January 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from SchroCat

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There are one or two places where you refer to Kwee, and others when you refer to Kwee Tek Hoay; I'd standardise on the full name, given you have John Kwee also mentioned (if he's referred to more than once I'd use "John Kwee" throughout too).

Lead
  • "by ethnic-Chinese writer": the usual question of which variant of English you're using in this article. If BrEng it should be "by the ethnic-Chinese writer"; others are obviously different. The same point occurs in other places too ("by journalist", etc);
  • "the play, though deemed a difficult one": is that a difficult one to stage? I think you could clarify with that addition;
Analysis
  • "shows individuals doing anything, even sacrificing their values, to earn it": could be "shows individuals doing anything to earn it, even sacrificing their values."

An interesting article. The plot could probably do with a couple of tweaks to tighten it and I'll have another look at that in a day or so. Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 14:33, 9 January 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Wehwalt

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Seems well done, just a few quibbles
  • "Other readings of the play have shown a Chinese nationalist identity and depiction of negative traits in women." a bit awkward, maybe "Some interpretations of the play are that it has a Chinese nationalist theme and that it shows negative traits in women." something like that
  • Alternate wording provided: nobody cited denies the main "money" issue.
  • "was a loss" lost money?
  • Right. The inclusion of "commercial" in the previous clause, I think, makes it clear.
  • "though deemed a difficult one" I think you have to add "to act" following this ("perform" would be better, but you're already using it)
  • Used Schro's wording above ("to stage")
  • " and based on E. Phillips Oppenheim's short story" I think you should throw a "was" in there
  • "that such an issue would have been common among ethnic Chinese" maybe "that such a message would have been popular among ethnic Chinese"
  • "He writes that such conditions are common even in the best of times" maybe "He writes that such is life even in the best of times"
  • " promote an apologetic attitude towards" maybe "be an apologist for"
  • "finding both of them to be similar" strike "both of", not needed.
  • "Although initially criticised for lack of interesting costumes, instead emphasising everyday clothing, the play was well received" I think that the order in this sentence should be reversed, as you just wait too long to find out what it is all about.
  • " though any proceeds" I'd expect "proceeds" to mean the total gate revenues, which is surely not the case. Maybe "with royalties payable to the (branch)"
  • what is a charity opera?
  • "morally didactic" I might change the word didactic for well, anything else.
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