Wikipedia:Peer review/Datone Jones/archive1

Datone Jones

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I've listed this article for peer review because… I would like to try to get this article to GA status and I am trying to improve it to get it there. I also requested copyediting on it as well. If anyone wants to give me feedback on what I need to do to get it to GA status or how good the article is, I would appreciate it and would be happy to work on it. Thanks, UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 20:48, 16 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Start by expanding the two sentence lead section, per WP:LEADLENGTH. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 02:09, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I did start in the "Early Years" section, but how does the lead section look @Cullen328:? --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 02:46, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The lead section is still only two sentences, UCLAgirl623. Do you intend to expand it? Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 03:35, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Yes @Cullen328:. How does the college section look though? --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 03:38, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

At this point, I am only paying attention to the lead section. One thing at a time. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 04:01, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Cullen328: how does the lead section look now? I expanded the top of the page like you asked. --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 04:11, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

All I see is the same two sentences, UCLAgirl623. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 04:44, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Looking at the edit history, UCLAgirl623, I see that you went from one extreme to another, and were reverted. Instead of the two paragraphs that I suggested, you added four paragraphs, one excessively lengthy, that included excessive detail such as his times in high school track events. You need to find a middle ground. Detail belongs in the body of the article. The lead should summarize the body, not copy its content. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 04:51, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I will go to what you suggested @Cullen328: (the sentence at the top of that page), but in that lead section, what's the best thing I should say in that section? In the Captain Munnerlyn article it talks on top about some parts of his college career. --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 05:00, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

UCLAgirl623, the Captain Munnerlyn article has a two paragraph lead, just as I had suggested at the Teahouse. Model the lead for this article on that Good article. The lead section should summarize the entire article.Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 05:29, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Cullen328: I followed the Munnerlyn article as a model of doing it. How does the lead look ([1])? I have a link to it incase of anything happens. --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 05:51, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

UCLAgirl623, again you included excessive detail about his high school track and field performances in the lead. Surprisingly, you included nothing about his pro career at the end of the lead. The lead should summarize the important parts of his entire career. He is notable as a professional football player, not as a high school track athlete. Trim the excessive details from the lead, and summarize his entire career to date in the lead. You mention him being a first round draft pick twice in the lead.That is excessive. Once is enough. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 06:54, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Cullen328: I saw you removed the excessive details about his track meet. In this sentence "Jones played football at Compton High School in Compton, California; he was a defensive end. He also played basketball as a point guard and participated in track and field. He played defensive end and defensive tackle at UCLA from 2008 to 2012. In 2008, he played in 10 games with 2 starts and finished with 15 tackles. He was named to the Rivals.com All-Pac-10 Freshman team after the season. In 2009, he started all 13 games and finished the year with 4 sacks and 11 tackles for a loss. In 2010, he missed the whole season due to a right foot injury in camp. In 2011, he had 41 tackles, 6.5 tackles for a loss, and 3.0 sacks. His college career ended with 43 starts, including his final 28 straight games, 148 tackles (90 solo), 36.5 tackles for a loss, 12.5 sacks, five passes defensed, four forced fumbles and a fumble recovery. In 2012, he was selected to be a second-team all-Pac12. On the first day of the 2013 NFL Draft, he was selected 26th overall by the Green Bay Packers. He finished his Packers career with 73 total tackles (54 solo), 19 assists, 9.0 sacks, 1 fumble recovery, 7 passes defended, and 1 interception for 18 yards. After his Packers career, he signed with the Vikings.", could you please bold which parts I should remove (that way I do it)? --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 14:58, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

UCLAgirl623, let me be clear: All those statistics simply do not belong in the lead. They belong in the body of the article. The lead should be a summary. Please write it that way. Cullen³²⁸ Let's discuss it 19:45, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Cullen328: I use Captian Munnerlyn (a GA article) as a reference. I am trying to make the Jones lead section like the Munnerlyn article. Here is what it mentions in that article (that I am trying to do it like): "Munnerlyn played high school football at Murphy High School in Mobile, Alabama, where he was named All-region three times. Following high school, he chose to play college football for the South Carolina Gamecocks after receiving scholarship offers from two other teams. As a freshman in 2006, he played in 11 games and recorded a season high five tackles in two. In 2007, Munnerlyn was both a nickel back and return specialist for the Gamecocks. Following the season, he was named All–Southeastern Conference (SEC). In 2008, he was elevated to starting cornerback while also returning kicks and punts. Against Kentucky, he returned a kickoff 84 yards and a blocked field goal 81 yards. On the second day of the 2009 NFL Draft, Munnerlyn was selected by the Carolina Panthers in the seventh round (216th overall)." In the section, it talks about some of his stats. --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 20:53, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

UCLAgirl623, I would recommend you use a different article than Captain Munnerlyn as an example of a good GA-class article. The Munnerlyn article was listed GA-class 7 years ago and probably needs to be improved. I would recommend Don Hutson to see what quality is needed for a GA-class article. As a kind reminder, please remember that a lot of work will be needed by you to research, write and source the article per Wikipedia guidelines and standards. Other editors can and will assist you, but they most likely won't write the article for you or spend significant amounts of time telling you what needs to be done. Hope this helps! « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 23:07, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Gonzo fan2007: The reason I am working on Datone Jones is because I'm a UCLA fan and I edit articles related to California or people who went or goes to UCLA. Datone Jones went to UCLA, thats why I started to work on it. I am by means no member of the Packers WikiProject but that article you used is a good reference of how it should go. That article you suggested to me (Don Hutson) is a good point. As well as other articles like Mark Sanchez. What I am trying to do is make the Datone Jones lead section a good section (Like a better lead section). Here is the lead section: Jones played football at Compton High School in Compton, California; he was a defensive end. He also played basketball as a point guard and participated in track and field. He played defensive end and defensive tackle at UCLA from 2008 to 2012. In 2008, he played in 10 games with 2 starts and finished with 15 tackles. He was named to the Rivals.com All-Pac-10 Freshman team after the season. In 2009, he started all 13 games and finished the year with 4 sacks and 11 tackles for a loss. In 2010, he missed the whole season due to a right foot injury in camp. In 2011, he had 41 tackles, 6.5 tackles for a loss, and 3.0 sacks. His college career ended with 43 starts, including his final 28 straight games, 148 tackles (90 solo), 36.5 tackles for a loss, 12.5 sacks, five passes defensed, four forced fumbles and a fumble recovery. In 2012, he was selected to be a second-team all-Pac12. On the first day of the 2013 NFL Draft, he was selected 26th overall by the Green Bay Packers. He finished his Packers career with 73 total tackles (54 solo), 19 assists, 9.0 sacks, 1 fumble recovery, 7 passes defended, and 1 interception for 18 yards. After his Packers career, he signed with the Vikings. If you were me, how would I write the summary (without most of the statistics about him)? I want to know that way I work on it. --UCLAgirl623 ^{(Whats up!)} 23:43, 19 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]