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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like feedback on what is necessary to bring this article to GA status.
Thanks, Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:58, 28 September 2011 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments: Prose needs some attention. I also found the content a little thin, but maybe that's to be expected when the subject is only 18. Here are some specific points:-
- Lead
- Rearrange this sentence: "She was discovered in 2004 when she was practicing her vocals by the manager of ADA Band, who invited her to record a duet with the band"
- Done.
- "Gutawa has stated that she feels like she is viewed by others as only becoming famous because of her father's influence, which she resents." I am sure that this could be expressed less awkwardly and ambiguously. Likewise "However, she has also been described as being perceived as being..." etc.
- Hope the new wording is better
- Early life
- Does 'song rhythm' refer to the whole name, or to the given names Aluna Sagita? Also, use full ("...") quote marks.
- Made clearer.
- You should reword this section to avoid having two very brief sentences: "She was their first child." and "She is a soprano."
- Worked into other sentences
- "a music course to learn the classical piano, later switching to vocals." I'd delete "music" and "the". The last phrase doesn't fit grammatically, and I'd use "singing" rather than "vocals". Thus: "a course to learn classical piano, though she later switched to singing".
- I took a similar phrasing.
- Music career
- Change the beginning. Starting a section "One day,..." is anecdotal not encyclopaedic
- Cut.
- "a duet with the band" normally implies with another singer, accompanied by the band. This should be clarified, even if we don't know who the other singer was.
- Added "lead singer"
- "she was approached" We need the name here. Also, the first mention of a person in a paragraph should always be by name, not pronoun. Thus: "After a year in production Gutawa's debut album, ..." etc. Some attention to the punctuation is advisable in this sentence.
- Done
- Try to avoid overuse of "noted" as a description (three times so far)
- Only one now.
- Example of an overlong and overloaded sentence: "Featuring a total of twelve songs, some written by noted musicians Glenn Fredly and Melly Goeslaw, and produced by her father,[5] the album was well-received, selling 150,000 copies in four months[4] and eventually being certified triple platinum." Five pieces of information is too much for one sentence; it should be split.
- Split, with the number of tracks cut.
- "...stopping only after she became pregnant with Gutawa's sister" → "in which role she continued until she became pregnant with Gutawa's sister"
- Used your wording.
- "...her mother doing scheduling". Too vague; what was she scheduling?
- Added
- "on short notice" → "at short notice"
- Done.
- Try to avoid close repetition of "eventually" in fourth para. I suggest that the 4th, 5th & 6th paras, all very short, should be combined.
- The sixth is not about an album, so merging it would lose focus. I have combined the 4th and 5th.
- "the destitute" is a rather broad term; can you specify a country, or a humanitarian agency?
- Changed to "Indonesia's poor"
- Acting career
- Final sentence, beginning "She noted..." I can't identify the source this sentence is cited to? Also, "She noted" is rather odd. I imagine she gave this information in the course of an interview, or similar, rather than "noting" it.
- Reworded to match the Jakarta Post source better.
- Education
- Advise remove the first statement which reads as editorial opinion
- Done.
- "While in elementary school and junior high school, she was chosen as the best student at that school for five subsequent years". You've mentioned two schools, so what does "that school" refer to? Suggest you delete the words "at that school".
- Done
- Can you give a bit more information on the Sampoerna Foundation, other than it being "education-oriented", and perhaps amplify on the role of a youth ambassador?
- Done, although nothing in third party works. I think for simple things like a definition, a SPS is fine.
- Public perception
- I doubt that this scant information deserves a main section all to itself. The fact that Gutawa believes she has earned her success on merit rather than on the back of her father's reputation could easily be slid into, say, the Music career section.
- I tried to refactor the paragraphs, although more feedback would be appreciated.
- References
- As most of these are in Indonesian I'm not able to comment on their reliability. In at least one case, Indonesian language is not noted; in another, the access date is incomplete.
- Regarding reliability, Detik is the online version of a magazine, Republika is a newspaper, Bali Post is a newspaper, and KapanLagi is a celebrity news site with paid reporters (hence the three letter codes at the bottom of the articles). I have fixed the partial date and the unmarked Indonesian site.
- It is not always possible to relate citations to specific sources. How many of the bibliography entries actually used as sources in this article?
- I've fixed the one broken hyperlink. Everything should check out now.
I hope you find these points helpful. As I am not able to watch individual peer reviews, please ping my talkpage if you wish to raise any issues arising rom this review. Brianboulton (talk) 18:42, 12 October 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks for the very thorough review. I have addressed your comments, and would appreciate any further feedback (no need to go too in-depth with the feedback). Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:06, 13 October 2011 (UTC)