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Wikipedia:Peer review/Harta Berdarah/archive1

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Harta Berdarah

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to bring it to FAC, and would like feedback regarding how accessible it is to the average reader and well as readability and grammar. Thanks,  — Crisco 1492 (talk) 14:21, 23 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Wehwalt

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Fighting the crowds here ...
Plot
  • Who is Mardjan? Some sort of descriptor is necessary. Similar on Asmadi
  • An employee of Doerachman.
  • The last sentence of the second paragraph should be split.
  • "convinces ... convinces" a little restructuring is in order
  • "has the illiterate hadji" You have not said who this is, in the body.
  • There's only one hadji in the plot; I used "hadji" to avoid repeating Doerachman
  • "stamp a letter" as in a postage stamp?
  • " her marriage" I imagine to Mardjan.
  • "As they had all work in Doerachman's name" something wrong here
Production
  • "As such," this seems a bit of a non sequitur
  • "the massive commercial successes" they were long, then.
  • "The film" Fatima is the last film mentioned.
Legacy
  • "Several ... survived ... several ... survived" Some slight variation seems in order.

Comments by SchroCat

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After an interminable delay (for which apologies), I will have a look at this one today and tomorrow. Before I crack on, can I check on which English variant you're using here? Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 12:11, 4 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • Cheers (I spotted a "humor" tucked away in there, which is why I thought I'd check!) I'll take a full read through later and get back to you. As you've written it and Wehwalt's already gone through it, I suspect I'll find little, but I'll see! Incidently I had the pleasure of meeting Wehwalt yesterday as he passed through London - a rather fun afternoon with him, Brian Boulton, Tim riley, Bencherlite, Cassianto and a few bottles of wine. - SchroCat (talk) 12:30, 4 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Plot

  • There's a "however" at the beginning of a sentence. Although I'm relatively relaxed about it, there are others at FAC who eschew all but the tightest use of the word—especially at the start of a sentence. It may be worth slightly re-framing what you have in order to get round the problem. (and the one in the "legacy" section.

Production

  • "director Jo An Djan" -> "the director Jo An Djan..."
  • I'm not sure "Native" needs to be capitalised?

Another "small, but perfectly formed" article: I suspect we're probably the best online source of knowledge on lost Indonesian films by some distance now! Please drop me a note when you take this to FAC. – SchroCat (talk) 15:52, 4 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • Done all but one. "Native" is shorthand for Native Indonesians here. It avoids the anachronism "Indonesian" (not official at the time), the glossing required for "Pribumi", and the possible misidentification if I name just one of the 600+ ethnic groups in the archipelago. Thanks for the review! (BTW, Soeara Berbisa is at FAC if you have time to stop by). — Crisco 1492 (talk) 16:01, 4 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]
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