Wikipedia:Peer review/Military of the Empire of Brazil/archive1

Military of the Empire of Brazil

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe it has very good sourced information on this particular subject (Military of the Empire of Brazil) and I would like to receive anyone´s contribution to improve it or suggest that it should become a featured article if good enough.

Thanks, Lecen (talk) 23:17, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

SGGH

The opening sentence seems a bit abrupt, and delves into the workings of the military rather than being a general introduction. The lead should summarize, not go into the organisation, there is nothing about the history of the armed forces other than its administration in the lead - this should be fixed so it provides a summary of the whole article.
Opening image caption, "dressed as an Admiral", perhaps a re-word? "in the uniform of a Brazilian Admiral"? Was he actually an Admiral?
no comma after "Armada" is needed.
A long quote in the lead, again belongs in a section on its organisation.
Second lead paragraph is again information more suited to a relevant section, I feel.
"The National Armada (later known as the Brazilian Navy), informally known as Imperial Armada," why is one comment on its name in brackets, and the other not?
"it appeared"? Perhaps a better word, organisations don't really appear.
"It was formed almost in its totality" is clumsy wording.
"Some of its members were born Brazilians (until then almost all were forbidden to serve), Portuguese whom had opted to adhere the cause of the separation and foreign mercenaries." doesn't make sense, are we talking about two groups here, or one who were both Brazilian and Portuguese?
Article on the whole needs a thorough copy-edit. There are prose and grammar issues.
try to avoid multiple uses of sentences beginning with "Also..."
"The fleet was composed then by one ship of the line" composed of
"created a national subscription to congregate capital and thus increase the fleet" what is a national subscription? A financial thing? Or conscription?
"After the suppression of the revolt in Pernambuco in 1824 and prior to the Argentina-Brazil War, the navy increased significantly in size and strength" perhaps "between" the two.
Quelling rebellions image, are the others not named also important figures?
"When Emperor Pedro II was declared of legal age and assumed its constitutional prerogatives in 1840".... what? Its? What are constitutional perogatives?
"ports administration were better equipped" either 'port administrations were' or 'port administration was'
"At least 9,177 navy military fought in the five years' conflict." another obvious mistake, the article needs a good copy edit, I suggest the CE league, it reads as if some of it was once originally translated into English by google.
"naval constructors" is a strange way of putting it.
"over Paraguay´s future became quite real.", quite real needs elaborating on, or qualifying.
"Arsenal of Navy of Rio de Janeiro" the english translation of that needs another pronoun.
"monarchic regimen" another odd phrase. I'm not going to carry on listing grammar and prose problems, just take it as given that the article has a lot of them.
many of these images are good, though they could stand to have their captions expanded in places.
try to avoid having images and tables at the same height in the text, as with some resolutions it can squash the text into nothingness inbetween.
I would rename "references" as "notes", "bibliography" as "references" and then swap the two around so "notes" comes first. "External links" should be at the very bottom above the categories.

"doule up the reflist with a "reflist|2"

All in all, a huge copy-edit needed, and the lead at the moment is more of a section in itself which doesn't summarise the article. Hope this helps. SGGH ^ping! 13:43, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Bsimmons666

Dom Pedro I choose nine military as Senators and five (out of fourteen) to the State Council. --> I believe you mean to say here that he chose nine military personnel (?). Same with final two sentences of the paragraph. Done!
Some of its members were born Brazilians (until then almost all were forbidden to serve) --> unclear. I'd recommend changing it to something like Some of its members were native-born Brazilians, who under Portugal had been forbidden to serve. Or something like that. Done!
I added two links in there for ship of the line and frigate Done!
The navy fought at the north --> in the north Done!
hidering --> hindering Done!
The long reign of fifty eight years of Dom Pedro II would represent the ending of the growth, and at the same time, the pinnacle of the Brazilian Navy - awkward Done!
if so they desired to --> either if they desired to or if they so desired, I think. Done!
In 1882 a journalist who made critics to the behavior of the military was assassinated by Army officers in broad day light and kept unpunished --> Unclear - you mean the officers went unpunished, correct? Needs clarification - Changed to: "The murder of a journalist in 1882 that had criticized the behavior of the Army personnel by military officers in broad day light was kept unpunished".
Make sure there's no spaces between references again Done!
Like SGGH says above, make sure the external links section goes last Done!
Fantastic job as usual - Bsimmons666 (talk) 15:54, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I will try to make SGGH´s changes later, as they will require more work on it. But thank you ---Lecen (talk) 16:31, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]